Old and New Jokes

A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. You have no arms! No matter, said the man, Observe! He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the mans side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, Bishop, who was this man? I dont know his name, the bishop sadly replied, but his face rings a bell. But wait…theres more!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now theres a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty. The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless mans brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishops cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. What has happened? the first asked breathlessly, Who is this man? I dont know his name, sighed the distraught bishop, but hes a dead ringer for his brother!

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I dont think I should have to answer that question.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chickens habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isnt it obvious? Cant you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other
side. Thats what they call it -the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say
we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isnt that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken
tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it suffered a
serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of
crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death
its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

Did you here about the lucky fisherman??

He married a girl with WORMS.

Your mama is so poor that when I walked in your backyard and stepped on a cochroach, she said, Thanks for killing dinner.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, How many children do you have?

Ten, she replied.

What are their names? he asked.

David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David, she answered.

Theyre all named David? he asked What if you want them to come in from playing outside?

Oh, thats easy, she said. I just call David, and they all come running in.

And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?

I just say, David, come eat your dinner, she answered.

But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? he asked.

Oh, thats easy, she said. I just use their last name!

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

Bush legal team sues Santa Claus

By S. Artist Reuters

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.

There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. Its totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now, said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the nice list, filing them under naughty instead because everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.

Their security is really awful, really bad, said Bush. My mother just walked right in, told em she was Mrs. Claus. They didnt check her ID or nothing.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bushs running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now, Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony shes asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The Million Man Mush is scheduled to leave Friday. We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays, Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was deeply distressed by news of the pending legal action against him.

Hes losing weight, and he hasnt said Ho Ho for days, said the spokeself. Hes just not feeling jolly.

A weary nation can relate.

What have an apple and an orange got in common?

Neither of them can drive a tractor!