Old and New Jokes

Don t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.

This is from the February 1991 Readers Digest (Laughter, the Best
Medicine),

Im lonely, Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. I need to have
someone around for company.

Okay, replied God. Im going to give you the perfect woman.
Beautiful, intelligent and gracious–shell cook and clean for you and
never say a cross word.

Sounds good, Adam said. But whats she going to cost?

An arm and a leg.

Thats pretty steep, countered Adam. What can I get for just a rib?

I consider Wal-Mart to be Gods gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices. Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices Heaven: Sam Walton — now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sams choice cola — now on sale!

Fewer bubbles per square yard
Bubbles used to contain oxygen – now cheaper imitation oxygen
Due to production delays the 2002 models wont be out until March
No more paying for product placement like the big bubble wrap scene in the upcoming Star Wars movie
Can not afford full-page newspaper ads attacking styrofoam peanuts
Bubble wrap no longer shipped in the bubble wrap to prevent damage
Switched to lower grade plastic which makes more of a puh
Now when youre put on hold, you hear top 40 music instead of romantic bubble wrap ballads
Employees Christmas bonus? Bubble wrap
During business trips executives must now pay for hookers out of their own pocket

©MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. Weve got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth…can you make it?

Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasnt many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.

Hey, Joe…can you help me out?? He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.

Oh, no I wouldnt have any idea what to do!!.

Joe, dont worry…I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card…find the sin…and follow it over to the appropriate penance…its that simple…here comes the first penetant…try it!!

So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen…Bless me Father…I have sinned…I have had impure thoughts.

Joe looks at the list…finds Impure Thoughts and orders: Say two

Our Fathers, three Hail Marys.and go forth and sin no more.

Thank you, Father,replies the penetant.

Hey…this is easy!!

The next one comes in. Bless me father. I have sinned. I have

fornicated.

Fornication…fornication…cant find it…oh there it is on the back.

Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more..

Thank you, Father.

Then the third arrives. Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex.

Oral sex? Oral sex? Its not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass.

Pssst…Jimmy…cmere!! What does Father OBrien give for Oral Sex?

The boy replies…A Snickers and a Coke. Why?

Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by those folly filled fellows and facing famine, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farm-lot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments.

Fooey! My fathers flunkies fare far fancier, the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.

Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his fathers feet, he floundered forlornly. Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors …

But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

But the fugitives fault finding frater , faithfully farming his fathers fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

His foresighted father figured, Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude.

Originally composed by Rev. W. O. Taylor, quoted in More Holy Humor, Cal and Rose Samra, Thomas Nelson Publishers, ISBN 0-7852-7156-2, modified by Robert Woodman. Feel free to publish this but leave the copyright information in place.

*** VIRUS ALERT ***



If you receive an email entitled Fighting Canaries, delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.



It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.



It will re-calibrate your refrigerators coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-laws number.



This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.



Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.



It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences.



If the Badtimes message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.



It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.



It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.



These are just a few signs of infection…

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service

bloopers:



* Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.



* Dont let worry kill you–let the church help.



* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.



* For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.



* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.



* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. Shes used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!



* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.



* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.



* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.



* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.



* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.



* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.



* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.



* Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.



* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.



* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.



* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.



* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.



* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.



* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.



* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeares Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.



* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.



* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.



* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.



* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it green.