Old and New Jokes

Ah, yes divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. – Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, youre right! I never wouldve thought of that! – Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. – Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to womens breasts? – Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they dont put us in the front lines. They dont know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms. – Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller

Theres a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, whats the problem? – Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. – Elayne Boosler

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. – Jerry Seinfeld

If you cant beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, its not a desirable job.

But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. – Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessies house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldnt find his way home. Oy Morris , said grandma, Youve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldnt hear. Morris whispered, I wasnt lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.

Cache – Needed when you go to da store.

Q: How many alt.newbie readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Me! Me too! Me too!

Se reúne Jesús con sus apóstoles y les pide:

Hijos míos, levantad y recoged una piedra que vamos a la montaña a rezar.

Todos los discípulos se levantan rápidamente y cada uno toma una piedra da tamaño regular. Sin embargo, Judas se queda pensando con cierto recelo:

Ya va empezar a joder otra vez: cuándo no es ayuno, es rezar todo el día. ¡No joda!

Entonces, resentido, agarra una piedra pequeñita y se va a la montaña. Cuando todos llegan arriba, Jesús se levanta e indica:

Bueno, hijos míos, rezad para que las piedras se nos conviertan en pan.

Súbitamente, todas las piedras se convierten en pan y todos los apóstoles se alegran por su pedazo de pan. Detrás, Judas se queda arrecho porque lo que tenía era un pedacito nada más.

Al mes siguiente, Jesús dice lo mismo de agarrar piedras y Judas piensa:

¡Ahora sí, no joda, ahora sí que me toca a mí!

Y coge una piedra que pesaba la mitad de lo que él pesaba, que casi no podía con ella, por lo que todos llegaron antes que él. Cuando éste arriba, todo sudado y casi sin aire, pregunta:

¿Ya empezaron?

Uno de los discípulos le contesta que no y que se siente. Estando todos ahí, Jesús se levanta y dice:

Bueno, ahora todos tirad la piedra, porque traje pan y queso para que todos comamos.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.



2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 1 in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt (appear) to handle certain children due to various religious beliefs, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One presumes theres at least one good child in each.



3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.



This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.



4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – – – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.



5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporize

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, Dont do that.

One day the teacher asked the class tell me is it

noisier then last year in your neighborhood. 70%



said yes and the other30% said I didnt hear the



quistion.

I am dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.