Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Q: Whats black and white and red all over?

A: A freshly whipped nun.

A recent Scotish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bastard, r-run will ya!

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run will ya! The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run! All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, He doesnt have to run, hes got four balls.

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man!

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It is physically impossible! she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

To this, the teacher said, What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied, Then YOU ask him!

Después de efectuado el despegue, el piloto del avión se dirige a los pasajeros por el altavoz:

Estimados pasajeros: Bienvenidos al vuelo 888 con destino a la ciudad de París, nuestro tiempo estimado de vuelo es de 14 horas con 50 minutos, les recordamos que este es un vuelo de no fumar, por favor mantengan sus cinturones abrochados… etc.

Al terminar el rollo de siempre, olvida apagar el micrófono y empieza a decirle a su copiloto:

¡Ahora sí, cabrón, nada más pongo el piloto automático, me echo un cague, y luego me cojo a la azafata!

Al notar que todos los pasajeros escuchan el comentario, la azafata sale corriendo para avisarle al capitán que apague el micrófono, cuando una anciana sentada junto al pasillo le pone tremendo bastonazo y la tumba al suelo. La aeromoza, desconcertada, voltea a ver a la viejita, quien le advierte:

¡Quieta, piruja! Primero déjalo que cague.

1. If I like it, its mine.

2. If its in my mouth, its mine.

3. If I can take it from you, its mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine.

5. If Im chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.

8. If I saw it first, its mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, its yours.

You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.