Old and New Jokes

A young woman goes into the doctors office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red H on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and hes so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue Y on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and hes so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green M on her chest. Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan? asks the doctor.

No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

You might be a redneck if…
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why dont you guys take a look at it and give me a bid? So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, $2,700.
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, You didnt even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?
Easy, he said. $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.

Yo mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block — cause she stops at all the hydrants!

In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the companys ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, Mwana Ndeti, a member of Zaires Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.

I could not crush the nut by myself, said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. With IBMs help, I was able to break it.

Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a smashing utensil.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs, said Herbert Ross, IBMs director of marketing. Whether youre a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australias Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today.

According to Ndeti, of the modems many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone.

I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem, Ndeti said. The modem did not break. It is a good modem.

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

This is a good computer, said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computers flat, sharp internal processing device. I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard. Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computers two hundred-page owners manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndetis choice of computers. We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs, said company CEO William Allaire. From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village.

The Wombat

Tasmania
Failure Requires No Preperation The Sandman.

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

How romantic! she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

Almost ready! he vowed. Sorry it took me so long – I had to refill the pepper shaker.

Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?

Moren an hour, I reckon. Wasnt easy stuffin it through those dumb little holes.

Original if somewhat warped humor from Trevor Keane

The Statements Car Owners are Really Making

Acura Integra – I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend – Im too bland for German cars
Acura NSX – I am impotent
Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue – I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado – I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville – I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro – I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette – I like seeing peoples reactions when I tell them I
have a Vette
Chevrolet Corvette – Im in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino – I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba – I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z – I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart – I teach third grade special education and I voted for
Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona – I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa – I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont – (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang – I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria – I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes
when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm – I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker – I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol – I have always said, half a convertible is better than
no convertible at all
Honda Civic – I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord – I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 – I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse – I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 – I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the
shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia – I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach – I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car – I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis – (See above)
Mercedes 500SL – I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL – I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata – I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB – I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante – I dont know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX – I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass – I just stole this car and Im going to make a fortune
off the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel – I am on the EPAs Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon – I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM – I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo – I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 – I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow – I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2 – (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy – I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior
than Isuzu
Toyota Camry – I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle – I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet – I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus – I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon – I am frightened of my wife

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first mans house and told the mans wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.

Well,she said,he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. And it was done.

The General went and informed the second mans wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? She said, Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much.

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the mans husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the Generals question.What would you like to do with his body?

The gay man reesponded, Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didnt like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!