Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?A: Senator.

On the night of the prom, a boys girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriends granpa and her dog Rover. As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out. So he does and the granpa yells ROVER!
The boy thinks to himself, All right, now he thinks its the dog. I think I will let a little more out. So he does and the granpa yells again, ROVER!
The boyfriend says to himself, All right, now he really thinks its the dog. I think I will let the rest out. So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, Well, was the pig a male or a female?

A female, of course, shouted Farmer Brown!. What do you think I am…some sort of queer?

The rabbi is speaking to his lower East Side congregation and he says, with Hashems help we shall walk but first, we must crawl. The congregation replies to the Rebbe with exclamations of ahmein Rabbi, im yirtze Hashem we shall crawl.

The rabbi then says, and soon, we will run but before we can run, with Hashems help, we must firts walk. Again, the pious members of the minyan all reply, im yirtze Hashem, we shall walk.

The rabbi then works himself into a rhetorical frenzy as he exclaims, and we shall reach the promised land. Hashem shall provide but first we must run. The ecstatic congregation gleefully shouts back ahmein rabbi, we shall run. Im yirtze Hashem, we shall run.

The rabbi concludes his sermon by stating, and we will reach that promised land if you dig deep into your hearts and checkbooks and make a generous pledge to the building fund!! The congregation then replies, crawl Rabbi, crawl. Im yirtze Hashem, we shall crawl.

how do u no if an asain family have broken into your house ?

ANSWER= your homework will be done ur computer will be uprgraded and they will still be driving out the driveway.

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

Oh, my, exclaimed the lady, Come on, Ill clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.

She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…Hey, lady!

Yes? she responded.

Do you have a Kleenex? asked the voice from the bushes.

No, not anymore, she answered.

Damn! Have ya seen any Ducks?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Value!
Value who?
Value be my Valentine?

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesnt know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: Thats me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: Ill be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You dont know what it was, and you didnt know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, Your Honor, Id like to strike the next question.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Marys Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

There was a blonde, sitting in a rowboat, out in the middle of a huge field. She kept screaming HELP.

Another blonde happen to be driving by in her car and heard the first blonde yelling for help, so she pulled over to the side of the road to see what was wrong.

She yelled to the blonde sitting in the boat and asked her what was wrong.

The blonde in the boat replied, I lost the oars and dont know how to get out of here. Can you help me?

The second blonde replied, I would but I cant swim!

JUST FAUX FUN

Can you loan me faux dollars ?

What faux ?

To buy faux diamonds.

What do you need with faux diamonds ?

I have sixteen, but I need faux more.

Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?

No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .

You CANT be faux real ! Besides, I dont have faux dollars.

Thanks faux nothing !

Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?

Well, its faux pas.

And why does pas need faux dollars ?

Cause Ma SPENT all of his !