Old and New Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge.

Doctor: Whats comes over you?

Patient: 2 trucks, 4 vans and 8 cars

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, Merry Christmas Santa. Isnt it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isnt it just a lovely tree?

Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The lady goes to a drug store and asks for some black condoms. The salesman says hes out of black condoms but he has yellow, red, green, violet, etc.

The lady says she really needs black condoms and the salesman aks her why the preference.

She answers, My husband just passed away.

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away. The guard let him pass but decided to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guards checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisors office and before he could say a word, the boss said, Youre fired!

Fired? he asked in total surprise. Why? What did I do?

It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So youre fired.

Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.

Oh, really, the boss answered. Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, So what do you think of mad cow disease? The other replies, I dunno, Im a chicken.

A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks, I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.

His buddy asks, Oh? Why do you wonder about that?

To which he replies, Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!

TAOISMShit happens
HARE KRISHNAShit happens rama rama ding ding
HINDUISMThis shit happened before
ISLAMIf shit happens, it is the will of Allah
ZENWhat is the sound of shit happening?
BUDDHISMWhen shit happens, is it really shit?
CONFUCIANISMConfucius say, Shit happens
7th DAY ADVENTISMShit happens on Saturdays
PROTESTANTISMShit wont happen if I work hard
CATHOLICISMIf shit happens, I deserve it
JEHOVAHS WITNESSKnock, knock. Shit happens.
UNITARIANISMWhat is this shit?
MORMONISMShit happens again & again & again.
JUDAISMWhy does this shit always happen to me?
RASTAFARIANISMLets smoke this shit!

I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic