Old and New Jokes

Cool Bumper Stickers

-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

-Horn broken, watch for finger.

-My kid had sex with your honor student.

-If at first you dont succeed, try not to look astonished.

-I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.

-Jesus loves you… Everyone else thinks youre an asshole.

-Im just driving this way to piss you off.

-Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs. -Keep honking, Im reloading.

-Hang up and drive.

-Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.

-Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

-If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

-I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers.

-Im as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

-We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

-Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

-Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot.

-Im not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

-He who laughs last thinks slowest!

-Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

-Theres too much blood in my caffeine system.

-Assassins do it from behind.

-If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

-Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

-I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

-Dont take life too seriously, you wont get out alive.

-I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

-Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

-Few women admit their age…few men act theirs.

-We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[From the Mens Health Magazine]

8. Meeters Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, thats sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, Go on, eat me already. The second-best thing is the presence of both cooked mutton and mutton in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If youre really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, youll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (its stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat falling off the bone.
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think its a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the worlds most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the products titular robin isnt actually blind, hes blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmänen Reindeer Pate (Kylmänen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph the Reindeer was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santas sleigh team — he didnt want to end up a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing youve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If youre the sort whos always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. Im afraid I am the bearer of bad news., he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. Its an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The doctor quickly responded, $2000 for a female brain, and $5000 for a male brain. The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more? The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, Its a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because theyre used.

10. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9. You pull the legs off your hamster so youll have a tribble.
8. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say Star Trek? Isnt that the one with Luke Skywalker?
3. You have no life.
2. You recognize more than 4 references on this list.

   and number one sign youve watched too much Star Trek

1. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

Q: What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? A: A brain tumor.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

Un hombre vende tres loras en la acera, se le aproxima otro y le pregunta: Mire, ¿cuanto cobra por esta lora?

Mil pesos, le responde.

¿Y por qué tan cara?

Mire, esta lora habla español e inglés.

Bueno, ¿y la otra?

Ah, esa cuesta cinco mil, pues habla español, inglés y alemán, canta en italiano y sabe computación.

No, mejor dígame cuanto cuesta la más desplumada, desgarbada y sucia.

Ah, ésta vale veinte mil pesos.

Caramba ¿y esa que sabe hacer?

Mire, la verdad no sé, ¡pero las otras dos le dicen jefe!

Estaba en la escuela Pepito, cuando el maestro de Civismo les encarga un trabajo.

Niños la tarea será como está constituido nuestro país. Díganle a sus padres que los ayuden.

Al llegar a su casa Pepito empezó a preguntar:

Papá, cómo está constituido nuestro país?

Ay, qué preguntas me haces hijito, te voy a contestar con un ejemplo:

Anota: Yo soy el gobierno porque aquí en la casa mando.

Tu mamá es la Ley porque ella hace imponer el orden en la casa.

Tu abuela es la prensa, porque siempre está al tanto de los mitotes de la casa.

La criada es el pueblo, porque es la trabajadora de la casa.

Tu eres la Juventud de Hoy y tu hermanito la esperanza del país.

A media noche, Pepito se levantó a hacer pipí, cuando descubre a su papá con la criada, corre al cuarto de su mami y la encuentra dormida, va con su abuelita y la encuentra distraida con el tejido, regresa a su cuarto y encuentra a su hermanito bien zurrado.

Entonces exclama con asombro:

!Ah, ya entendí bien! El gobierno jodiéndose al pueblo, la ley dormida, la prensa haciéndose pendeja, la juventud de hoy desorientada y la esperanza del país ¡Hecha mierda!

Sign on a scientists door: Gone fission.

Sign in a taxidermists window: We really know our stuff.

Sign in a podiatrists window: Time wounds all heels.

Sign in a butchers window: Let me meat your needs.

Sign on used car lot: Second hand cars in first crash condition.