Old and New Jokes

Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense

Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending
machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they
spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his
$400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City Florida for robbery of a
Howard Johnsons motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was
not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned
him down because he said he couldnt open the cash register without a food
order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they werent available
for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly
knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money.
It turned out they contained $800 in pennies, weighed 30 pounds each, and
slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of
robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldnt have done it because he was
busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for
breaking into the school.

Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the
officer didnt need a warrant because a bulge in Christophers jacket could
have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a
five-minute recess to compose himself.

Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long welts in March
when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it. Ive ironed that way
five or six times, he said, and never had it happen.

Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he attempted to
replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-caliber rifle bullet (used
because it was a perfect fit). However, when electricity heated the bullet, it
went off and shot him in the knee.

Why did Helen Keller go insane?

She tried to read a stucco wall.

Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

When giving directions, finish with and its right down yonder
on the left. Confuses the mess out of em.

Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can
understand what theyre saying.

When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell em Deltas
ready when you are!

Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they dont have it,
raise a ruckus.

Offer to send em a bottle of fresh air.

Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g.
Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)

Frequently bring up The War of Northern Aggression in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words Civil War, always
interject that there was nothing civil about it.

Address all males as son and females as little lady.

Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: Its
Pah-kahn not Pee-can.

Put Tabasco on everything.

For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is
New York City. In other words, if they say Yo, Im from upstate New
Yoik! say Well, Ill be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a
Broadway show!

When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a
box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.

Name all of your children Bubba. (or just call em that!)

Use the word reckon in a sentence and watch their reaction.

Mash buttons. Cut off lights. Carry the kids to school.

Never simply do something. Be fixin to do something.

Tell them you dont have an accent, they do.

Be sure to include yes/no maam/sir in all
conversations… Offends the heck out of em.

Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. Now go
down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station
used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.
Anyway, turn right there… You said left. Did I? Well, turn
left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I
remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..

Ask them if its still snowing up North. Then tell em you
went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

Call em a yankee. Works every time.

Superman is flying through the sky on a bright sunny afternoon when all all of a sudden he spies Wonder Woman laying on the ground with her legs apart. He decides to fly down and do the dastardly deed with her, so he swoops down – buzz – buzz – buzz – and flies off.

Wonder Woman laying on the ground looks bewildered and dissheveled. She comments, What was that???

And the Invisible Man says, I dont know but my butt hurts!!!

Singh stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, I have a complaint!

Yes, sir?

I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!

What was wrong with it?

It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!

The librarian nodded and said, Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book.

Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances….

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think its ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

And to do my part, Im buying stickers for all women who participate.

Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!

Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!

Una niña se dirige a su madre:

Mamá, ¿cuántos tipos de hombres hay?.

Sorprendida, la mujer le responde:

Mira hija, los hombres durante su vida pasan por tres fases:

Antes de los 29 son como el arbusto del jardín: duros y bien dispuestos.

Hasta los 49 son como el roble: fuertes y confiables.

Y a partir de los 50 son como los arbolitos de Navidad: con las bolitas de adorno.

Youve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

If youre not part of the solution, be part of the problem!