Old and New Jokes

Saddam Husseins stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

Era el típico niño preguntón, que caza a su madre desprevenida y le pregunta:

Mamá, mamá ¿cómo se hacen los niños?

La madre, sin saber que decir, finalmente le contesta:

Pues papá pone una semillita en mamá y… ¡la empuja con la punta de la polla!

Un tipo, ansioso por echarse un trago, llega a un bar de un hotel de muchas estrellas; al escoger su mesa, levanta la mano, llama al mesero y ordena:

“Por favor, un whisky doble”.

Al instante, el mesero regresa y le sirve uno sencillo.

“Con tantos clientes se debe haber equivocado”, piensa el señor, y se lo toma.

En seguida, pide otro whisky doble, y el mesero nuevamente, le sirve uno sencillo.

“¡Qué raro, algo debe pasar!”, piensa, pero se bebe la copa, y pide nuevamente:

“Un whisky doble por favor.”

Y de nuevo, el mesero le sirve uno sencillo.

Esto se repite todas las veces que pide un whisky doble, pero el sujeto no dice nada. Cuando le sirven la copa número veinte, el hombre ya está medio borracho y le reclama al mesero:

“¡Ptss, ptss! Oiga, ¿cómo está eso: yo le pido un whisky doble y usted me trae uno sencillo?”

“Señor, lamento decirle que en este bar todo es al revés”.

“¿A poco? ¡¿Ahora me vas a salir con que EL TONTO HIJO DE … SOY YO Y NO VOS?!”

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?



They both have wet noses!

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, theyre out for a walk and Leroy says, Hey Jasper, theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in.

But wes privates, protests Jasper.

Wes sergeants now, says Leroy, pulling him inside.

Now, Jasper, Im a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.

But wes privates, says Jasper. Are you blind, boy? asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. Wes sergeants now.

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. Youre cute, she says, and Id like to date you, but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If its okay, give me the okay sign. So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. Jasper, he says, why did you give me the okay sign?

Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates. He points to his stripes. But wes sergeants now!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Because they cant get their head in the jar.

Jamie and Suzie were walking down the street pushing their dolls in doll strollers. Jamie –
Where did you get your baby?
Suzie –
The Sears Catalog.
Jamie –
How much did it cost?
Suzie –
Twenty-five dollars.
Jamie –
How long did it take?
Suzie –
About three weeks. How about you, where did you get your baby?
Jamie –
The JC Penny Catalogue.
Suzie –
How much did it cost?
Jamie –
Ten dollars.
Suzie –
How long did it take?
Jamie –
About five weeks.A short time later, they passed a woman pushing a real baby in a stroller. Being curious, they asked the woman where her baby came from.
I got my baby from the General Hospital.
Jamie –
How much did it cost?
Woman –
About a thousand dollars.
Suzie –
How long did it take?
Woman –
Nine months.The woman continued down the street away from the girls. After a few minutes, Jamie says, I dont know about you, but I think she got screwed.

A: She wanted to go on a round trip.