Old and New Jokes

Knock-knock

Whos there?



Mark Bookspan



Quick, bolt the door!

The life story of a car.

In the 80s, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs who claimed
the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy airport in Mt. Joy,
Iowa. This is used mainly by the weekend warriors, and once a year
its used for an air show. The authorities were notified after an
estimated 10,000 people came to the airport. They asked the
people why they were out there, and they were given the story about
the stealth fighter.

The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who
called the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and
suspended for two weeks — but not before some people at the
airport, armed with cell phones, called into the station, got put on
the air, and said that they couldnt see the thing. The DJs replied
that it was proof the technology worked.

To top it all off: the DJs said the only way that you could see
the plane was to move your head back and fourth — like a chicken
when it walks — and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of
your eye. They stated that if you looked right at it, you would
never see it. This was believed and a majority of the people were
doing just this when the police arrived!

An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar. After being served, he notices a woman sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says Bartender, Id like to buy that old douche bag down there a drink.

Somewhat offended, the bartender replies Sir, I run a respectable establishment, and I dont appreciate you calling my female customers douche bags.

The man looked ashamed of himself and muttered Youre right, that was uncalled for…please allow me to buy the woman a cocktail.

Thats better said the bartender and he approached the woman. Maam, the gentleman down the bar would like to buy you a drink… what would you like?

How nice! replied the woman, Ill have a vinegar and water.

Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professors door.Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didnt. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.End the paper with This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds.Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you cant do the paper because youre not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by
your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about that.If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldnt retrieve the original.Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professors desk.The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you cant turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a need to know basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should
get an A.Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.Turn in a letter your wrote

Q: What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach?

A: Sandy Claws.

Q: Which is the cats all-time favorite song?

A: Three Blind Mice.

Q: What is another name for a cats home?

A: A scratch pad.

Q: How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much?

A: Buy a twenty-pound cat!

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One means pause at the end of a clause, and the other means claws at the end of paws!

Q: If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat?

A: An itty bitty kitty.

Q: What is the best award a cat can earn?

A: The Purr-litzer prize.

Q: Can anything be smarter than a cat that can count?

A: Yes, a spelling bee!

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to kick you.

The Scotsman said, Keep the damn egg.

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!

Why are men such jerks?

Its a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and its not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. Were just misunderstood.





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Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. Im fairly certain its some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.





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Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. Its much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.





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Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. Its actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.





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Why are men so uncommunicative?

Youd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.





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Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we dont actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. Its the old fashioned pride in a job well done thats missing in so much of the world nowadays.





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Why cant men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless were experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.





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Why cant men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.





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How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.





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Why cant men just say I love you?

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self- sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. Its not easy to admit to ones own character faults.





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Why do men say I love you when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Arent you special? Well, some men think its a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.





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What does it mean when men say I Love You?

1 Pleas 2 Im sorry for whatever i 3 I forgot to get you a gift; this 4 Huh? Im sorry; I w 5 What did I forget? This should buy m 6 7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?





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Why doesnt my partner ever answer me?

We just simply dont have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Whats dumber than an [ethnic] building a house under water?

An [ethnic] trying to burn it down.