It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. Its a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Shit said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 1

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.



Rule # 2

If you dont want to dress like Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.



Rule # 3

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.



Rule # 4

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.



Rule # 5

Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?



Rule # 6

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.



Rule # 7

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.



Rule # 8

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.



Rule # 9

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.



Rule # 10

When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

Three guys are coming back from a hunting trip, when thier truck breaks down. The 1st guy says I think I saw a farm house back down the road about a mile. So they start walking and by the time they get thier its getting dark. They ask the lady that lives in the house if they can use her phone, she says I aint got a phone but yer welcome to stay here for the night, as long as you dont make fun of my son because he dont have any ears



So they are all siting around the T.V. with thier own section of the newspaper. The first guy looks up at the boy and says take care of your teeth because when you get old like me you wont have any





The second guy looks up over the section of news paper he has and says boy…you better take good care of your hair because when you get old like me you wont have any





So then the third guy looks up at the boy and says boy you better take good care of your eyes because when you get old you wont be able to wear glasses because you aint got no ears.

What do you get when you cross an [ethnic] and a monkey?

A retarded monkey.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food. the poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children!

Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya? The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said–Well yeah, if thats what they are–I never heard of circle flies. So the farmer says, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, theyre called circle flies because theyre almost always found circling around the back end of a horse. The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass? The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass. The trooper says, Well, thats a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies, though.

A hillbillys old wife sent him to town to get something to rid the place of moths that had troubled them. The druggist sold him a box of mothballs.

Months later, the hill man came into the drugstore, complaining that: Them mothballs wouldnt work nohow, noway. Marthy and me we aimed carefully, too. But we aint hit a single moth! Maybe you got a bigger size, like one of them pool table balls.

A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the
distance, a fine looking young lassie (girl!). After building up as much
courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to
dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight
in the eye and says, Can I smell your fanny? to which she, not altogether
unsurprisingly replies You certainly can NOT!! He nonchalantly turns to
her and says, Oh, it must be your feet then.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughters swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, Quit looking out the window! Arent you paying attention to me?

Yes, of course I am paying attention, maam. Its just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping theyd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!