Old and New Jokes

Maryon Pearson

I always try to avoid cliches like the plague!
-Rev. Wang Zeep

Redmond, Wash.

April 1, 1998

Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its popular Windows (TM) line of computer operating systems. Code named Atlantis, the newest offering will be officially known as Win 00, pronounced Windows double zero.

At the gala press conference, complete with red, white, and blue lights bathing the stage, Bill Gates, President and CEO of Microsoft, personally made the announcement. Multicast to every corner of the world, Gates spoke to the huge crowd of computer press, as a 60 foot high video screen behind him showed his face, and Aerosmith sang their hit Dream On in the background.

We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we will now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of the Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new operating system features the virtual desktop. No longer can the luddites claim that we have taken the look and feel of a competitors system. This concept will mark the beginning of a new paradyme for desktop computing. Yesterday we said Where do you want to go today?, and tomorrow we will say what do you want now? Microsoft has shown again that we are the only choice.

Following the rousing cheers and a standing ovation from the assembled press, Vice President Steve Ballmar continued on the theme established during the keynote speech.

As you all know, Microsoft is and will continue to be the dominant force in desktop software. To maintain our advantage, we have developed the ultimate in ease of use for our customers. Our aim was to develop something that would be everything to everyone. We have been able to achieve this and more. As fate would have it, this project, along with another initially unrelated one, came together with the spectacular results you will see. That second project, designed to target the widely held, but untrue belief that our software is bloated and buggy, had the aim of decreasing the footprint of our operating system. As both projects developed, they converged, and we found that we could achieve both goals by extending the virtual desktop concept to the ultimate level. We have virtualized the entire operating system!

This concept has many advantages. Any user can make his system anything he wants, limited only by his lack of vision. Everyone can have things exactly as they want, and if there are any glitches in the implementation, it will only be due to user error. Let me show you how powerful and easy this new concept is with an illustration. Imagine that you have to give a presentation for an important client, and that you will want to use a word processor for the text, a spreadsheet for some tabular data, and of course, some presentation graphics. Now further imagine that you have all of the Microsoft tools that will allow you to do this perfectly, conveniently located on your virtual desktop. Now imagine that you are done. Wasnt that easy!

With things this easy to use, and all responsibility for error shifted to the user, we feel that tech support is no longer needed, although such a drastic move might cause undue concern for our customers. Therefore, we have implemented a new, highly trained transitional staff to help with any issues our customers might have.

This has allowed us to put our current tech support staff to work on other critical items, including the next paradyme shift in network computing, and mowing Bills lawn. By its nature, the virtual Operating System, and the associated virtual desktop, is highly correlated to the thoughts and needs of the individual user. This ties in perfectly with Microsofts recent purchase of the Psychic Friends Network. There will be an 800 number, and each caller will get the first 10 minutes free, then the chance to talk to his or her own psychic, to help with rebuilding the virtual desktop.

Press reaction was positive, with comments such as:

• Steven Manes, columnist for PC World

  I have finally found something I can understand. It is so simple, a child could do it. There is nothing to it.

• Sandy Reed, Editor of Infoworld gushed

  The greatest thing since sliced bread. I can see now that this will be voted the best operating system in next years readers choice survey.

• Jerry Pournelle, Senior Contributing Editor of Byte Magazine

  Frankly, I dont see it, but … Bobs your Uncle.

• John Dvorak, computer columnist and radio personality

  This is revolutionary. I am surprised that no one thought of it before.

After the press conference ended, a Microsoft spokesman filled in a few more details. We are calling it Win 00, not Windows 2000, simply because we cannot garantee that it will be Year 2000 compliant, and since the Department of Justice is being so picky about anything we say, we thought a little truth in advertising would be prudent at this time. The product is scheduled for release the first quarter of 2000, and slated to ship by the third quarter of 2002. It will be available to all OEMs and VARs under the same limitations and restrictions that apply under their current licensing agreements. Windows and now the number 00 are trademarks of the Microsoft Corporation. all rights reserved.

Whats the speed limit of sex?

68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around

(Like the recent real Polish jokes, there are Mormon jokes told by Mormons.
Some of them you wouldnt get unless you were one, but…)

A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the
various features and landmarks when the man asks, Whats that cliff?

Oh, you dont wan to look down there. Thats hell!

The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys,
verdant farmland and trees everywhere. This doesnt look so bad, he says.
Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.

Dang! he snaps, Those Mormons have been irrigating again!

–Craig
…{ucbvax,sun}!pixar!good

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Doris slammed on my finger. Ouch!

What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?

A pimp

I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying – thats what I get paid for. – England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didnt win a game.

I have always found strangers sexy. – Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.

I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear. – Margaret Thatcher in 1973.

That rainbow songs no good. Take it out. – MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.

Youd better learn secretarial skills or else get married. – Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

Radio has no future. X-rays are clearly a hoax. The aeroplane is scientifically impossible. – Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.

You ought to go back to driving a truck. – Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.

Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. – MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.

Cant act. Cant sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little. – A film companys verdict on Fred Astaires 1928 screen test.

Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work. – Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittles plan for the jet engine.

There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991. – World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.

The Beatles? Theyre on the wane. – The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.

The atom bomb will never go off – and I speak as an expert in explosives. – U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.

All saved from Titanic after collision. – New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.

Brain work will cause women to go bald. – Berlin professor, 1914.

Television wont matter in your lifetime or mine. – Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.

Everything that can be invented has been invented. – director of the US Patent Office, 1899.

And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam. – Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

All definitions taken from READERS DIGEST:

Scabbardnon-union poet
– John Dratwa
Bartletta small, familiar quotation by the Simpsons son
– Jacqueline Schiff
Stalemateex-spouse
– Phyliss Jean Porter
Silver nitraterental fee fro the Lone Rangers horse after dark
– Donald Spiegal.
Tentaclesa linebackers dream for every game
– Aaron Bigelow.
Stagnationcountry without women.
– John Dratwa
Prisma place for light waves that commit minor refractions
– Johnny Hart

• Youre New Hampshire If you can name the four seasons, BUT

  Youre really NH if theyre tourist, foliage, ski, and mud.

• Youre NH if you own flannel shirts, BUT

  Youre really NH if you wear a tie with one.

• Youre NH if you know the back roads, BUT

  Youre really NH if you drive them to avoid the toll booth.

• Youre NH if you own a pick-up truck, BUT

  Youre really NH if the truck is 4 wheel drive, has a gun rack, plow on the front, and a dog in the back.

• Youre NH if you attend church suppers, BUT

  Youre really NH if you consider it a night out on the town.

• Youre NH if you live in a white cape, BUT

  Youre really NH if theres a picket fence around the house, a garden in the back, a wood pile somewhere, and some used appliances on the front lawn.

• Youre NH if you say Ames-es, BUT

  Youre really NH if you do all of your shopping there.

• Youre NH if you know everyone in town, BUT

  Youre really NH if theyre all related to you.

• Youre NH if you go to the dump on saturday, BUT

  Youre really NH if you leave with more than you brought.