Old and New Jokes

When the Arks door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. Listen up! Noah said with a demanding voice. There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wifes cage and was very excited. Quick! he said, Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, Sorry, no land yet. Darn it!, exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?

LOOK!, said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper… I GOT THE HORSES RECEIPT!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Twyla!
Twyla who?
Twyla light of the Gods!

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

How To Keep Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

Talking And Driving: Theres Got To Be A Way

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

Yo mama so poor I went in her house one day and stepped on a cigarette and she said, Oh no… There goes the heat.

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, Thats very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didnt you learn any manners! Where did you come from?

The man looked up helplessly and said, The balcony!

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if theyve got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

(Forwards deleted to protect the innocent)

The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star, Jan 17, 1995:

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that wont last out the year.

– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

But what … is it good for?

– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. Approaching the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

Sipping his beer, the truck driver watches as a skinny guy walks in complete with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.

You dont even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.

Well, sure, said the patrolman, But you cant bait em.