Old and New Jokes

Forget the meaning of life…were stuck on these questions!:

Do pediatricians play minature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the worlds a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If youre born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.

The interviewer asks each, in turn, Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?

The Russian replies, Whats an opinion?

The Pole replies, Whats meat?

The American replies, Whats a shortage?

And the Israeli replies, Whats excuse me?

A blonde went to buy a lottery ticket, and sure enough, she won! She goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, Great! I want my $20 million now please. The man replied, No, sorry lady. It doesnt work that way. We give you a million today, and then youll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years. The blonde said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. Again, the man explained that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, finally screams out, Look, I want my money! If youre not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!

This will be a short meeting

You can put it together yourself in five minutes

One slice of pizza wont blow my diet

Youll housebreak him in no time at all

Theyll feel terrific once you break them in

Weve been in business for 30 years, were not going anywhere

When it sez empty theres always a gallon or two left

If you knew anything at all, you wouldnt be a Traffic Cop

You can make it – that truck isnt coming all that fast

Of course bring the kids

Thats not poison oak

I dont burn, I tan

Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you

Your table will be ready in 5 minutes

Of course theyre mushrooms, toadstools come to a point

No trouble at all, dont give it a second thought

We service what we sell

Believe me, nobodys dressing up

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.

En la calle, un sujeto se dirige con una prostituta:

Te doy 15 dólares si me dejas hacerte el amor.

Por 15 te dejaré verlo nada más.

Bueno, está bien, acepta el tipo.

Los dos se dirigen a un callejón oscuro. La puta se baja la falda y se lo enseña. El tipo se agacha para poder ver; pero como está muy oscuro, saca su encendedor y le ilumina sus partes.

Tienes mucho vello púbico, ¿puedes orinar por allí?

¡Claro! ¿Por qué?

¡Porque será mejor que empieces a mear antes de que se te queme todo!

No.1 said I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel

No.2 replied, How lucky for you. Mines still alive.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

Whats Monica Lewinskys favorite boxing move?

– The Low Blow