Old and New Jokes

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A. Not enough sand.

Q. Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldnt figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyers creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q. Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

A. Skeet.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

A. Chelsea Clinton

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?)

A. …… I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer.

Isnt that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

Q. Youre trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A. You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, Isnt that Bush and Powell sitting over there?

The barman says, Yep, thats them.

So the guy walks over and says, Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?

Bush says, Were planning WW III .

And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?

Bush says, Well, were going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?

Bush turns to Powell and says,

See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!

An 8-year-old girl is trying to check out a book entitled Advice for Young Mothers from the local library.Not seeing a parent with her, the librarian asked, Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?The little girl said back matter-of-factly, I collect moths!

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, How did you do over the weekend?

Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. 17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them? I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…

…O…o

…and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs. Thats admirable, said the judge.

And you, how did you do?, he asked the second boy, Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever. 156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?, Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

…o…O

I said (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison, …

Once there was a farmer who had a three legged pig. A man from the city came to visit the farmer and saw this pig. Farmer Ed, quoth he, why has that pig only got three legs?

Said the farmer, That there is one special pig. Last year when the river was floodin and I was drownin, that pig saved my life. Thats one special pig.

Yes, that is a special pig, the man agreed, but why does it have only three legs?

Well, the farmer said, That is a very special pig. When my house was on fire, and my wife and daughter were inside, that pig saved their life. Thats a special pig.

Yes, the man replied, So why has it only got three legs?

Well, said the farmer, a pig that special you just cant eat all at once.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Bruce Babbitt) Its foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we havent even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hand hell get scared away, the boy said. He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.

A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away.

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, Open your hands! Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

Looking back over the years that weve been together,
I cant help but wonder:…
— What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!…
— Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful you….
— have such an ugly baby?

Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
— After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
— I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
— that youre not here to ruin it for me.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me…
— Like the need for therapy.

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!

Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— Youll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.

You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said youd die for me…
— Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?

Im so miserable without you…
— Its almost like youre here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
— Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
— Id miss you heaps and think of you often.

Ive learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.