Old and New Jokes

How do you catch a polar bear in Alaska?

First you go out and cut a hole in the ice. Then, you line the hole
with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the
ice-hole.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the send key.

Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc…) But they only get three attempts.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Sen~or, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona.

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser.

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says Give me a Coke.

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you drinking a Guinness?

The Guinness president replies Well, if you guys arent drinking beer, neither will I.

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train??



A: A teacher says spit out that gum and a train says choo choo choo!

Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as Bonkistry. He has been around forever, so I wouldnt put it past him to come up with something like this.



Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.



These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.



So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare and couldnt get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.



Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. Cool they thought, this is going to be easy. They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:



(95 points) Which tire?

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that its all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 oclock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..

7. Im sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean well be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships Im used to.. so youll have to give me some leeway…

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. Weve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Dont worry! That one is always on E…

13. Get the parachutes ready…

14. Drinks are on me…

15. Ill have what the Captains having…

16. Hey captn take another hit man…

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.

The bartender speaks up and says Hey what the hell are you doing?

The blind man says, Just taking a look around..

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, Would you like me to be your friend?

The girl hesitated, then said, Okay, looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, Why are you standing here all alone?

Because, the little girl said with great exasperation, Im the goalie!

A poor lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court was asked to donate a dollar. Only a dollar? said the Justice, Only a buck to bury an attorney? Heres a ten spot… go and bury nine more of them.