He was having a fairly uneventful international journey when all of the sudden he had an incredible urge to use the restroom.He got up and crossed over to the mens lavatory when he noticed a long line. The man, being positive that he could not wait any longer walked over to a stewardess.Please maam, may I go to the womens restroom? I noticed there was no line there.After much begging the stewardess relunctantly areed. Okay, sir. But please, DO NOT touch any buttons.He agreed and went to the restroom immediatly to relieve himself. Next to the toilet paper there were three large colored buttons. Being interested, and being male he said… Why not?He pressed the blue button. Immediatly a large mechanical arm with a powder poof at the end powdered his face.Hmm… interesting.He pressed the green button. Immediatly another mechanical arm with a brush on the end brushed the mans hair.Man, the guys are getting jipped.He pressed the red button. Everything went black. When he opened his eyes he found himself in a hospital room.Pushed a button, eh? A young nurse asked.The man felt a sharp pain in between his legs. Erm… yeah… He sighed.The nurse laughed. It was a mechanical tampon remover. She turned to walk away, By the way… your… your… its under the pillow.
Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. Hey Jack, youre a betting kinda man arent ya? Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind. Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop. Jack thought to himself, This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand Ive ever made. Okay Bob. youre on. Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, Okay Bob, Lets see what you got. Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000. Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check. Yeah, what about him. Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldnt you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.
Heard yesterday from a very funny friend:
What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop
bang bang bang bang bang bang bang
clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.
So God said, If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it. So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, See God, I told you that would happen. Ill get it this time but youll have to get it next time. So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.
And God repeated, If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it. So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, I got the last one. So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?
Moses replied, No. He thinks hes Arnold Palmer.
A priest and a Nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.
The nun and the Priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things…during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.
The Nun then shyly speaks, I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a mans legs. So the Priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, This is a tool…the tool that gives life.
The nun thinks for awhile, and says – well then Mr, how about you shove that thing up that dead camels ass!
Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car that breaks down.
The mechanical engineer says: Maybe iss a stuck valve.
The electical engineer says: Maybe its a dead battery.
The software engineer says: I know. Lets all get out and get back in again, and see if that fixes it.
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, How is the singing career going?
Stevie Wonder says, Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf.
Nicklaus replies: Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but Im still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think Ive got that right now.
I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right, says Stevie.
You play golf!? asks Jack.
Stevie says, Yes, I have been playing for years.
But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind? Jack asks.
I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice, explains Stevie.
But how do you putt? Nicklaus wondered.
Well, says Stevie, I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.
Nicklaus says, What is your handicap?
Well, I play off scratch, Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, We must play a game sometime.
Wonder replies, Well, people dont take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, OK, Im up for that. When would you like to play?
I dont care – any night next week is OK with me.
Women:
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Video Lesbianism:
The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production Strap on Sally vol.3. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.
Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet similtaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
Men:
Expletives:
On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TVs Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.
Beer Drinking:
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.
Urinating:
The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.
Hottest Curry Eaten:
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.
Biggest Fart:
The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.
Holiday Gymnastics:
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.
Loudest Car Stereo:
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.
Car Customisation:
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the worlds most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of $63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit ($3500), Nightrider style Disco Stop Lights ($199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 ($200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, ($500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension ($285). The car is currently valued at $50 to $60.
Longest Wheel Spin:
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.
One day this non flying fly was setting on the bank of a stream trying to figure a way across. In the stream was a trout watching the fly, the trout said to himself, if that fly comes down Ill jump up and eat him. Back in the edge of the woods was a bear watching the trout watching the fly, the bear says to himself, if that trout jumps up Ill jump down and eat him. A little further back in the woods is a hunter watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the hunter says to himself, if that bear jumps down there Ill jump up and shoot him. A little further back in the woods is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the mouse says to himself if that hunter jumps up to shoot that bear hell drop that sandwich and Ill jump on the sandwich. A little further back in the woods is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the cat says to himself, if that mouse jumps on that sandwich, ill jump on that mouse. Well the fly goes down, the trout jumps up, the bear jumps down, the hunter jumps up and drops his sandwich, the mouse jumps on the sandwich, the cat jumps toward the mouse and misses and falls into the creek and gets wet. So the moral to the story is if the Fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.