Mother Mary held her daughter, 20 minutes under water.
Not to save herself from troubles, but just to see the funny bubbles!
10
Apr
10
Apr
Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the younguns, Now hesh up yall!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The younguns asked Bubba, Paw, what is it?
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories hed heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin
But the boys didnt know; They was about to start shootin!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, Dont shoot, boys!
Thats Santy Claus And hes brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin And a-raisin cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!
Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or youll make Santy fall!
The dogs kept a-barkin And wouldnt shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didnt care.
He was busy lookin At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
Go check on yer Maw, Make sure shes all right.
That roof fallin on her Could-a hurt just a might.
But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!
10
Apr
What
to do when your dinner is interrupted:
– Ask them if theyve got beer
– Start speaking in tongues
– Tell them that person doesnt live there anymore.
Give them the number of an adult service and tell
them that it is her/his new number
– Tell them that youre not there right now
– Ask them if they accept coupons
– Start selling them something else
– If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them
youre poor and ask for money instead
– Start preaching your religion to them
– Pretend youre a recording and say "The number
you have reached is not in service. Please check the
number and dial again, or talk to your operator for
assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating
the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
– Try to hypnotise the telemarketer
– Play a recording of a busy signal
– Put on some really annoying music and put the phone
up to the stereo.
– Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then
try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various
medical problems, your fascination with odd smells
and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
– Use one of those voice changers to disguise your
voice
– Rap all your replies to the telemarketers questions,
especially if youre white.
– Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her
on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle
and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if youre ever
used this kind of ketchup youll know what kind of
sound this makes!!!!!)
10
Apr
You might be a redneck if…
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
10
Apr
There was a man named Benny who loved to take walks on the beach. One day he found a bottle with a genie in it. He let the genie out.
The genie was so grateful that he granted him one wish with the condition that he never shave again, otherwise hed turn him into an urn.
Benny got his wish of riches and fame but he kept tripping over his long beard which he hadnt shaved in 30 years. Benny said to himself, “that genie isnt around anymore, Im shaving.” With that, he went home and shaved. Instantly he went POOF and turned into an urn.
Moral to the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urn-ed.
10
Apr
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?
Yes, Father, it is.
And, who was the woman you were with?
Sure and I cant be tellin you, Father. I dont want to ruin her
reputation.
Well, Tommy, Im sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.Was it Brenda OMalley?
I cannot say.
Was it Patricia Kelly?
Ill never tell.
Was it Liz Shannon?
Im sorry, but I cant name her.
Was it Cathy Morgan?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Fiona McDonald, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. Youre a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But youve sinned, and you must
atone.You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, Whatd you get?
Three months vacation and five good leads! says Tommy.
09
Apr
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?
St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!
09
Apr
During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:
The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.
During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teachers bunsen. For safetys sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where thats going?
I opened the cupboard neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, Er, Sir… just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!
09
Apr
Un cowboy llegó al pueblo y entró a la cantina por un trago. Para su mala suerte, los habitantes del pueblo acostumbraban asaltar a los forasteros, asà que cuando terminó su bebida, encontró que su caballo habÃa desaparecido. El vaquero volvió a entrar a la cantina, desenfundó su revólver, lo hizo girar sobre su cabeza y disparó al techo.
¿QUIEN DE USTEDES SE ROBO MI CABALLO? gritó con todas sus fuerzas.
Nadie respondió.
¡Muy bien, voy a tomar otra cerveza, y si mi caballo no está de vuelta para cuando termine, voy a hacer lo mismo que hice en Texas! ¡Y realmente no me gusta nada lo que tuve que hacer en Texas!
Los que lo escuchaban se removieron nerviosos en sus asientos.
El tipo acabó su cerveza, salió de la cantina y vio que su caballo estaba de regreso. Montó en él y empezó a cabalgar tranquilamente fuera del pueblo.
El cantinero salió corriendo y le gritó, Oiga, amigo, antes de que se vaya… ¿qué es lo que pasó en Texas?
El cowboy se volvió y dijo, Tuve que caminar hasta mi casa.
09
Apr
Un homosexual entra a una carnicerÃa y dice:
Señor carnicero ¿tiene salami?
El carnicero pregunta:
¿Entero o en rodajas?
Y el otro enojado le contesta:
¡Ay, degenerado! ¿qué te pensás que mi culo es una alcancÃa?