Old and New Jokes

Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.

This was told to me about three years ago by a friend who claims he works with
the father of the hero of the story:

During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his fathers car
to drive to a New Years Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in
Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the
car New Years Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the
roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Years Eve. The
agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car,
but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part
of the father, especially since the kid wasnt 21.

So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home.
Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few
other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in
a line of people that were being administered the infamous sobriety test.
Somehow the policeman skipped him, and he was left standing off to the side
while the people behind him were showing the police officer how well they
could touch their finger to their nose, walk a straight line, etc.

At 7:00 AM his father got up to answer the doorbell. There were two state
troopers there; one from Vermont and one from Massachusetts. They immediately
asked him if he was the owner of <description of car>. He replied, Yes, I
am. One of the policeman asked him if he was driving the car the previous
evening, and he said that his son had been the driver. The police officer
asked to speak to his son.

When the kid found himself in front of the two state troopers, he knew he was
in some sort of trouble. But he also realized that his blood alcohol level
had come down considerably, and that he would pass any test they might give
him. So upon questioning, he admitted that he was driving the car, that he
had been in Vermont, but when asked if he had been drinking he said, No!
When the policemen asked if they could see his car, the kid was unable to
remember the drive, and was worried that he may have hit something or someone.
He said that the car was out back under the car port.

And when the four of them walked out to look at the car, instead of looking at
the car he had driven the night before, there was a Vermont State Police
cruiser parked there.

A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor. How much for this?, he asks. Id think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone whos bought it before has come back the next day to return it, says the proprietor. Why? I dont know–but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it. The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. Thats odd, he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now hes running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he cant stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder… Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him whats going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed. You didnt bring it back?? he inquires. No, Ive got just one question. Do you have one shaped like a lawyer?

(This really happened – the FE was suspended:)

On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane.

On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.

Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm!

So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – Hey, why dont you try this ball. He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.

Use this one – You cant lose it!

His friend replies, What do you mean you cant lose it?!!

The first man replies, Im serious, you cant lose it.

If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.

Obviously, his friend doesnt believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, Wow! Thats incredible! Where did you get that ball?

The man replies, I found it.

(Think about it… itll come to you 🙂

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blondes headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.She hears: “Breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out.&quot

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

PROCRASTINATORS CREED

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

Se encontraban dos compadres con unas amigas en casa de uno de ellos y le dice un compadre al otro: ¡Usssteed ya está muy borrrachhho ya váyase a doodoormir!

El compadre le contesta, Ni mmadre, yo es… es… eeestoy bien.

Pasan 5 minutos y el compadre le dice a una de las amigas, Mejor ya súbelo a dooormir…

La chica se sube con el compadre a la recámara y ve al compadre borracho y le dice en voz baja, Ahorita te vas a despertar ya verás… La amiga se quita las medias y se le sienta en el abdomen y empieza a cantar: ¡Oye, abre los ojos, mira hacia arriba, disfruta las cosas buenas que tiene la vida!

Y el compadre bien dormido hasta roncando estaba. La amiga ve que no despierta y dice, Ahora sí te vas a despertar, se quita el vestido y el sostén y se sienta en el pecho del compadre y empieza a cantar, ¡Oye, abre los ojos, mira hacia ariba, disfruta las cosa buenas que tiene la vida!

Al mismo tiempo que la chica le bailaba al compadre le ponía sus pechos en la cara y cuando termina de cantar se fija en las reacciones del compadre y el compadre perdido en su sueño…

Entonces la chica se quita los calzones y se le sienta en la cara al compadre y empieza a cantar, ¡Oye, abre los ojos, mira hacia arriba, disfruta las cosas buenas que tiene la vida!

Y el compadre finalmente reacciona: ¡lalala! ¡¡¡lalalaralalalala!!!

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve
refreshments.