Old and New Jokes

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. Youve got to have a room somewhere. he pleaded. Or just a bed – I dont care where.

Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.

No problem, the tired traveler assured him. Ill take it.

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?

Nope. I shut him up in no time?

Howd you manage that?

He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room, John said.

I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

Hed toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughters date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, Thats wonderful. Isnt he smart? What do you think hes going to be when he grows older?!

The father replies From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!

A man walks into a department store and needs to get to the bathroom, located in the back of the store. He decides to get there by going down the first aisle he sees. He starts to turn the corner when he sees a priest just standing there, staring. He thinks this strange, but decides not to disturb the priest. The man decides to go down the next aisle, but again, finds another priest standing there staring. He thinks nothing of it and proceeds to the next aisle. When he gets to the third aisle, there is again another priest. The man, now curious as to what is going on, decides to venture down the aisle. When he gets half way down, he reads a sign.

Boys Pants, Half Off

Un psicólogo se dedica a aplicar exámenes para estimar el coeficiente intelectual de la gente. Una de las preguntas en el test es contar del uno al diez. Llega el primer entrevistado:

A ver, cuente del uno al diez.

Diez, nueve, ocho, siete, seis, cinco, cuatro, tres, dos, uno.

¿Qué?

Uy, perdón, es que verá, como yo trabajaba en la NASA, me acostumbre a contar al revés y…

Aparece el segundo:

A ver, preste atención porque esta pregunta es muy fácil pero le puede hacer perder puntos; cuénteme del uno al diez.

Uno, tres, cinco, siete, nueve, dos, cuatro, seis, ocho, diez.

¿Qué?

Ay, lo siento, verá, es que yo trabajaba de cartero, y claro, acostumbrado a ver los números pares a un lado de la calle y los impares al otro pues…

Finalmente entra un tercer individuo:

Bueno, y ahora llegamos a una pregunta un poco delicada porque ¿usted sabrá contar, verdad?

Hombre, por supuesto. Sepa que yo soy diputado y que para conseguir mi trabajo tuve que pasar unas oposiciones muy duras para las que debí estudiar mucho.

Ajá, me alegro. Bueno, pues cuénteme del uno al diez.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, sota, caballo, rey…

2 guys go into a bar. One guy said to the other, why is that monkey over there? He answer Well watch this.

He went and slapped the monkey across the head and the monkey went and sucked his dong. So he said to the other guy, Wanna try that?



He answered Sure. Just dont hit me as hard as you hit that monkey.

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

An Israeli man goes to his doctor for a problem he is having. After the doctor examines him, the doctor says:

There are two different opinions on how best to treat you. Im convinced you need a triple bypass heart operation. However, Kupat Holim policy says that all you need to do is rub this tube of salve, which costs 14 shekels, on your chest.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that theyre physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Want anything while Im in the kitchen? he asks.

Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
Sure.
Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it? she asks.
No, I can remember it.
Well, Id like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, sos not to forget it?
He says, I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.
Id also like whipped cream. Im certain youll forget that, write it down? she asks.
Irritated, he says, I dont need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake! Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
Wheres my toast?

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

You arent so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

What took you so long to answer? I was in bed.

What were you doing in bed this late? Getting a second opinion!