Old and New Jokes

A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother.
One morning she was over at the docs house when her
daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her
grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted
her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be
seen. When she asked the doc, he calmy replied, I dont think
its necessary, just watch him closely for any change.

Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night?

A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom.

The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned…they couldnt get the tailgate open

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jewell!
Jewell who?
Jewell know if you open the door!

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isnt that grand?

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on the wage rate.

Cuando, en 1931, los japoneses invadieron la región china de Manchuria, se comportaron como los típicos conquistadores: tratando con insulto y desprecio a la población. Sí algún poblador se atravesaba en su camino, los soldados nipones se ufanaban ante ellos diciendo:

¡Japón tu pale!

A lo que los sumisos chinos respondían:

¡China tu male!

You might be a redneck if. . .



You think harass is two words.

You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have more dogs than the local shelter.

You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.

Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.



How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, Ive gotta leak in my sink, and the person at the front desk says, Go ahead!



Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!



Why did God invent armadillos?

So that rednecks can have possum on the halfshell!



Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:

A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Another item taken from K M Reeses article in C&EN.

An anonymous caller who wrote, I cant stop laughing, sent in a newspaper story about three janitors who in the utility room of a Californian elementary school tried to euthanize a gopher that a student had found on the school grounds and brought to them.

To that end they sprayed the rodent with several cans of a freezing solvent used to clean gum and wax off floors.

One of the janitors tried to light a cigarette, and the resulting blast blew all three out of the room. All apparently came out OK, as did the 16 pupils who were treated for minor injuries. The gopher was released later in a field.

In a joint press conference early this morning, the Chief Executives of Microsoft and Novell revealed that their companies had been working together to increase Microsofts dominance of the computer industry. In a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically acquiring Microsofts major competitors in the software industry and ruining them.

The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. [Digital Researchs] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was. We couldnt even steal technology fast enough to compete. That was when we first contacted Novell. Under direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small California company best known for its CP/M operating system.

Novell CEO Bob Frankenburg continued, We let the developers release DR-DOS 6.0, which unfortunately was a success, but then we jumped in with both feet. By the time we were done with it, Novell DOS 7 wouldnt even interoperate well with NetWare! All development on Digital Researchs product was subsequently halted in September 1994.

Frankenberg also explained their second target. When it became obvious that Windows NT wouldnt be able to hold a candle to Unix, it was agreed that Novell should buy Unix Systems Laboratories from AT&T to destroy it. The destruction of Unix was accomplished by Novells pushing of the UnixWare abomination and by carefully planned licensing fiascoes. Once the damage was complete, we pushed it off on SCO [Santa Cruz Operation] last month.

The latest joint venture was the destruction of Microsofts competition in the Windows application market. Under the guise of creating a rival suite, Novell bought up Wordperfect and Quattro Pro, Gates explained. With our direction, all OS/2 development was halted and significant bugs were introduced in the release cycle. [Microsoft] Excel wasnt half the spreadsheet that Quattro Pro was when Borland owned it, and look at us now! Novells intention to sell the PerfectOffice Suite was announced on October 30. Were done, said Frankenberg.

When asked about the prospect of competition from the new software giant created by the IBM/Lotus merger, Frankenburg replied, We expect IBM to do a better job of destroying Lotus than we could have ever done.

Many industry insiders were taken by surprise. It explains a lot, said Hewlett Packard employee Mike Lund. We never could figure out what the hell Novell thought they were doing with Unix.

Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.