Old and New Jokes

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold. Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.

So Johnnys mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

– First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…

so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

– Ok, now take off my skirt…

and he takes off her skirt.

– Now take off my bra…

which he does.

– And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

Johnny, PLEASE dont wear any of my clothes to school any more!

Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

The sentence, Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket? sounds
normal.

You are used to doing everything one-handed.

The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a
pleasant one.

The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to
zero.

Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

You answer the question How are you? with Were fine.

You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but
based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirts main color.

You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think,
Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in… babysitting?

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with A man once told me…

How do you fix a womans watch?

You dont. Theres a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course. At least hell shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that wont do what shes told!

My brother-in-law just recently became a dentist and was issued his
DEA number, which allowed him to get prescription pads. A friend of his,
also a new dentist, had the misfortune of losing one of his pads. After
reporting the pad missing, he received a call from a pharmacist, who
believed he had found someone using the missing pad. When asked what had
raised his suspicions, the pharmacist replied that someone had just tried
to get a prescription filled for Mofine, 1 pound.

ART FART= its such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts dont stink.ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.TIRE FART= You cant control the blow out.BEER FARTS= These come out of every can and smell like warm beer.JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.GHOST FART= You cant hear it, you cant see it, and you cant smell it.HOME ALONE FART= When youre home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as gas.OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man cry.

No, its not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks, Liza Jane can Is look up your dress before the bus gets here?

Liza Jane was startled and said, No Rastus you caint!

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said, Alright ifn it will shut you up you can.

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims, Sho is a wonder!

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her, Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again? Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again, Sho is a wonder!

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him, Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?

Rastus replies, Whats that?

Every time you look up my dress you says, Sho is a wonder. Sho is a wonder what?

To which Rastus replies, Sho is a wonder your guts dont fall out!!

Dios se manifiesta en un sueño al Papa, Bill Clinton y a Bill Gates. Les dice:

Les tengo una noticia buena y una mala. La buena es que Yo existo. La mala es que la tierra será destruída en 30 dias.

El Papa despierta a sus colaboradores y les dice:

Les tengo dos noticias buenas. La primera es que hemos estado en lo correcto durante todo este tiempo, Dios existe. La segunda es que estaremos en el cielo en 30 días.

Bill Clinton despierta a sus colaboradores y les dice:

Les tengo una noticia buena y una mala. La buena es que Dios existe y está de nuestro lado. La mala es que el mundo terminará en 30 días.

Bill Gates despierta a sus colaboradores y les dice:

Les tengo una noticia buena y una noticia maravillosa. La noticia buena es que Dios piensa que soy una persona importante. La noticia maravillosa es que no tendremos que escuchar ninguna otra queja sobre Windows dentro de 30 días.

Q: What did the computer programmer say to the prostitute?

A: Do ya mind if I give you some extra Ram?