Two women and their dogs were in a Vets waiting room (one blonde and one brunette). The brunette says to the blonde Thats a beautiful dog youve got there, whatre you bringing him in for?
The blonde replies Hes Xtremely horny, and whenever I bend over, he tries to fuck me!!!
The brunette says Xcitedly Thats why Im here!
The blonde says oh, Youre getting him neutered too?
The brunette says Ha, no way, Im getting his toe-nails cut!
E-mail Joke Quickly Ends Reporters Job
By Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post
When Joe Rhodes, journalist and self-described smart aleck, showed up at the Portland Oregonian last fall, he was asked to familiarize himself with the computer system.
The reporter, who had moved from Los Angeles to take a feature-writing job, sat down and composed a mock memo: In an effort to make everyone at the New Oregonian feel more comfortable, members of the New Northwest team have chosen Thursdays as no underwear day in the newsrooms. … All staff members will be subject to a brief inspection. Anyone found to be wearing undergarments will be severely reprimanded and forced to wear a sweater vest the following Monday. Exceptions will be made for those staff members with hernias, testicular cancer or radical mastectomies.
Rhodes then pressed a button to send the message to a friend. The message was inadvertently sent to everyone in the newsroom. And Rhodes job offer was promptly withdrawn on grounds of inappropriate behavior.
I was stunned, he said, They decided that anyone who was going to write jokes about underwear was a risk to the community. I cant imagine a newsroom culture so sensitive that would be enough to run me out of it. Its like I was given capital punishment for eating with the wrong fork.
Rhodes, 40, recently filed a $500,000 breach-of-contract suit against the paper.
The suit also names Willamette Week, a local paper that carried an account of the incident.
Willamette Week reported accurately, that Rhodes had gone to a clinic for a mandatory drug test and had tested positive for a prescription sleeping pill. Rhodes says the story wrongly reported – without calling him – that he complained about the drug clinic disclosing the sleeping pill and that this was the reason he was let go.
Now that Rhodes promised $57,000 job has vanished and he is in debt, I was knocked out before the weigh-in, he said.
Reprinted without permission from The Seattle Times, March 22, 1995.
A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of
democrats came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and
turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the
farmer if he has seen the car. Yep replied the farmer. Where are
they? asked the sheriff. Over there, replied the farmer pointing to
the ditch filled with fresh dirt. You buried them? asked the
sherrif, Were they still alive? Replied the farmer, They said they
were, but you know how those people lie.
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, Dont worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.
The husband was thinking to himself, Oh no, what has he done now?
and asked with some trepidation, Well, bro, what did you name them?
Whereupon, his brother replied, I named the little girl Denise.
The husband, relieved, said, Thats a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?
The brother winked and replied, Denephew.
Two drunks staggering home one night and one decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Half way through an apparition appears. Whats that on your back? the ghost asks.
Its a hump says the drunk The ghost puts his hand on the drunks back and the hump disappears.
He races home and next night at the pub he tells his mate all about it. His mate is amazed and says he is going through the cemetery that night as he has a wooden leg and wants a proper leg. Again half way through the cemetery a ghost appears… Whats wrong with your leg? he asks.
Its a wooden leg, says the drunk.
Have you got a Hump? asks the ghost.
No replies the drunk. So the ghost puts his hand on the drunks back and says, Here, you can have this one.
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, Whats your
name and address?
Im Paddy ODay, of no fixed address.
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
Im Seamus OToole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.
A Jewish kid is sent to a Jewish school by his parents.
After two weeks he is kicked out for fighting and laziness. So his parents raise the money and send him to a private school.
However, after two weeks he is kicked out for fighting and laziness. Having no choice, the parents send the kid to a public school. However, after just one week he is suspended for fighting, lateness and laziness. His parents feel terrible.
What to do, what to do!
Finally they decide there is only one thing more they can do. So they enroll him in a Catholic school. Weeks go by and the boy is still in school.
In fact, he has good grades and the nuns speak well of him. His parents are amazed.
They ask the kid, “How is it you got kicked out of Jewish school, out of private school and out of public school but you don’t get kicked out of Catholic school?†“You should see,†says the kid, “what they have hanging on the wall.â€Â
An older retired N.Y. jewish merchant goes to the Doctor. He complains hes tired and sluggish. The Doctor suggests he goes down to Florida for some relaxation.
The man takes the advice. After a few days he is bored and goes to the hotel lobby to pass some time. A woman sits next to him and says, pst, hey you buying? He says, you selling? She winks and they go back to his room for a little tryst.
A few days later he returns to N.Y. and now feels even more sluggish and tired. He goes back to the doctor for another checkup and the Doctor informs him he had contracted a form of sypholis. He needs rest and suggests he return to Florida.
He went back and rested up. One night he went back to the lobby and there was that woman again. She sits next to him and again he hears pst.. you buying? & he responds Vhat you selling now cancer?