Old and New Jokes

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you dont follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Dont burden him with chores. Dont discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

He said youre going to die, she replied.

Neither look down.

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady.
"Help yourself," she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few."
"Thats okay," says the lady, "Since Ive lost my teeth, all Ive been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."

This is a great business to be in.

You got it,

You sell it,

And you still got it.

(via Original Sins)

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isnt there anything you want before you die? The man thought for a moment, then said, Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption? The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song. Ten million bottles of beer on the wall…

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.



Yes, the pet store owner said, this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions. The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back & said the parrot had yet to say a word.



Thats to be expected, said the pet shop owner. Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrots owner returned & said there still had been no talking.



I see, said the pet shop owner. Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrots owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrots owner was there waiting as the store opened.



Still no luck? asked the store owner.



No. Nothing said yet, answere the birds owner.



Well, I bet the birds just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.



What?!? You want me to buy another bird!?! yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.



No, no, calm down, reassured the store owner. All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion. At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned…this time with the parrot, only it was dead!



What happened? asked the store owner, Didnt the bird ever talk?



Yes, right before it died it said: Whats the matter? Dont they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Audrey!
Audrey who?
Audrey be doing this!

Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices its been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.

Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity.

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Wind up window

7. Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card

6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book

19. Re-check make-up again

20. Drive forward two metres

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided

24. Re-check make-up

25. Re-start stalled engine and move off

26. Drive for 3 – 4 miles

27. Release hand brake