Signs of Trouble in Santa Clauss Marriage

As presented on the 12/12/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Hes replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him that fat freak in the red underwear
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. Hes been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when shes been sleeping, he knows when shes awake, because hes bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps forgetting to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stockings arent the only things hes been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santas pants

How may men does it take to change a light bulb?

None they sit in the dark and complain.

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, Hey! You cant leave that lyin there! The drunk replies, Thats not a lion! Its a giraffe.

…goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that shes pregnant.She is furious. Here shes in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; How could you have let this happen? With all thats going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I cant believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, Did you hear me? Finally she hears Bills very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, Who is this?

This was in the Bob Leveys Washington column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the Best T-shirts of the Summer

(around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
If They Dont Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Aint Going
At My Age, Ive Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All… I Just Cant Remember It All
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
(Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
If Its Called Tourist Season, Why Cant We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen Give Me My Damn Discount
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
No, It Doesnt Hurt (on a well-tattooed gentleman)
(on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But Were OK Now
(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
Veni, Vedi, Visa – I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What Its All About
I Didnt Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
(on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
Coffee, Chocolate, Men… Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Liberal Arts Major… Will Think For Money
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
IRS – Be Audit You Can Be
Gravity… Its Not Just a Good Idea. Its the Law.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
Wanted Meaningful Overnight Relationship
The Old Pro… Often Wrong… Never In Doubt
If At First You Dont Succeed, Skydiving Isnt For You
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. Thats One of the Risks You Take.
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

(Thanks to Mary Campbell)

When using bathroom
scales, these simple rules must be followed:
1. Always place the scale on thick shag carpeting.
2. Hold tightly onto the sink or shower rod (both when possible) and
gradually release the weight of the body onto the scale.
3. Make sure needle placement is accurate by cautiously adjusting the
little round knob on the centre-front, very slowly to the left. (Zero
is a wide number and should be treated accordingly.)
4. WARNING: Stay away from digital scales. (They are not properly adjustable
and therefore inaccurate.)
5. Do not weigh yourself constantly. Every time you stand on the scales
it stretches the little springs and wing nuts inside and slowly presses
them flat – the result, even with no weight gain whatsoever, is that the
scale makes you appear to weigh a little more each time.

Q. What goes 99 click? A. A centipede with a wooden leg.

La señora, cómodamente instalada en la cama, espera la llegada del marido.

Ya llegué, mi amor.

¡Qué bueno, cariño!, le contesta mientras, muy sexy, se remolinea. Entonces, le pide:

Mi vida, dime algo dulce.

¿Algo dulce? Pues, chocolate.

No, algo romántico.

¿Algo romántico? Pues, Luis Miguel.

¡No, algo que me caliente!, le pide con mayor énfasis.

El tipo tarda en contestar y le dice:

¿Algo que te caliente? Pues…¡Chinga tu madre!

Un joven y su futuro suegro están de copas. En un momento de la ronda, el muchacho le dice:

Sabes que llevo con tu hija siete años de noviazgo y creo que ya es momento de pedirte el coño de ella.

Extrañado, el futuro suegro se le queda mirando y le aclara

¡Cómo que el coño, será la mano, normalmente se suele pedir la mano!

¡Que va, que va! ¡El coño, el coño, que estoy hasta los cojones de que me haga pajas!