Old and New Jokes

– A hand full of sheet

A teacher had a class,and she tlod her students if they answer a qustion then they would get a treat.So the teacher calls jimmy to the fort of the classroom. She asked the qustion,and jimmy answers the qustion right.
So the teacher tlod jimmy to
close his eyes and open his mouth.Jimmy did as he was told,and the teacher put a hershe kiss in his mouth.Then the teacher asked him if he could guess what she put in his mouth.Jimmy replyed no I dont know.The teacher saids
Ill give you a hint.Its what your dad always wants from your mother every morning before he goes to work,and before jimmy could answer a littel girl got up and said. Oh no jimmy spit it out its a peace of ass

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for

airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldnt get out of her room. You cant

get out of your room? the captain asked, Why not?

The stewardess replied: There are only three doors in here, she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!

Q: Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?

A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

(Heard late one night on KSHE 95, the Rock of St. Louis.)

One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He
hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway
for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the
middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out
in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didnt seem
to be wearing any pants.

Hey farmer, how come youre not wearing any pants?

Well, city boy, th other day I went out a-workin in the fields, an
I plum fergot t wear mah shirt. Got back to th house that night, and mah
neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this heres mah wifes idea.

Dave Kohr (drk7956@cec2)

Two ten-year-old children were exactly opposites: Bill was a die-hard optimist, and Bob a hopeless pessimist.

The mom asked the psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob and get Bill nothing. In fact, he said just to wrap up some manure for Bill to break down his hopes even more.

Christmas morning, Mom came downstairs and found the twins by the tree. She asked Bob what Santa had brought him.

A B.B. gun, but Ill probably hit someone in the eye and blind him. And a bicycle, but Ill probably get run over and killed while riding it. And an electric train, but Ill probably electrocute myself, said Bob.

Realizing it wasnt going very well, the mom turned to Bill and asked what he got. Im not sure!! he replied, I think I got a pony, but I havent been able to find him yet!!

Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.

Dont you mean ovaries ? the doc says.

No she says.

We had better have a look says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says Youre right, It looks like theres been a cockatoo up there

Estaba un viejito en la alcoba cuando se le para el pito y le grita a su mujer, Vieja, vieeeejjjjaaa, apúrate que se me paró.

En eso sube corriendo la pobre mujer y cuando llega ya se le bajó al viejito.

Otro día el viejito estaba en el baño y pasa lo mismo como 4 veces. Total que la viejita decide andar desnuda por toda la casa para que en el momento que el viejito le grite ella esté preparada.

Pasaron unos dias y la viejita estaba en la cocina preparando de almorzar cuando escucha, Vieja, viejaaaaaaa, y sube a las carreras desnuda como andaba y le dice, Ahora sí papacito, y el viejito le contesta: ¡Se está quemando la casa y tú con tus puterías!

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.



He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?



The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.



Oh really? How much have you collected so far?



So far only about three hundred gallons, but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning!

My friend, Bill, grew up on a farm in Tennessee and attended a one room country school. He said that, like all the other boys, he wore bib overalls to school.

Now Bibs are a great invention says Bill.

When your hands are cold, you can put them between the bib and your shirt and warm them. And after you have been working hard, like hoeing, you can put your arms behind the bib and rest them for awhile.

But, he said, the greatest thing was he used them to cheat on arithmetic tests in school. He would look at the addition problems and put his hands behind the bib, appearing to be in deep concentration, while he counted on his fingers.

Doing that, Bill almost flunked out of second grade arithmetic until he discovered that he didnt have eleven fingers.