Seen on the back of a truck (on the bumper):
< PASSING SIDE ===== SUICIDE ->
Sign on garage: Dont even THINK of parking here!
And reportedly on another: Vehicles found parked here will be stolen by professional thieves, and left stripped somewhere in New Jersey.
This car insured by Smith & Wesson
This car insured by Don Corleone
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were blondes, what would Cheetah be?
A: The smartest of the three.
What am I?
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own – toothbrush!
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.
Well, one day we got a service call that said, Cat caught in machine, come quick!
When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
Estaban todos los animales de la selva reunidos, cuando el león les anuncia:
Compañeros, los voy a llevar de paseo a un lugar muy bonito.
En aquel momento, el sapo exclama:
¡FÃjate, qué suave!
El león, irritado, lo ve con malos ojos y prosigue:
Y, además, habrá mucha comida y diversión.
Todos las criaturas aplauden y gritan:
¡Ea! ¡Hurra!
Y el sapo:
¡FÃjate, qué suave!
El león, que ya estaba muy enojado les dice:
Ah, pero eso si, no podrá ir un animal que sea verde; que tenga unos ojos saltones y una enorme bocota.
¡Ya te chingaste, pinche cocodrilito!, se burla el sapo.
The number of lawyers and personal computers has increased greatly over the last three decades. Unfortunately, the lawyers havent managed to get twice as fast and half as expensive with each passing year.
Hamlets Cats Soliloquy
To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clocks bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portals opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, theres the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the households petty plagues, The cooks well-practiced kicks, the butlers broom, The infants careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will, He might his exodus or entrance make With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear, Or strays trespassing from a neighbors yard, But that the dread of our unheeded cries And scratches at a barricaded door No claw can open up, dispels our nerve And makes us rather bear our humans faults Than run away to unguessed miseries? Thus caution doth make house cats of us all; And thus the bristling hair of resolution Is softened up with the pale brush of thought, And since our choices hinge on weighty things, We pause upon the threshold of decision.
1. You laugh while inhaling.
2. You play D&D.
3. You are a real virgin, but not a cybervirgin, if ya know what I mean.
4. You are proud of being a cyberpimp.
5. You have acne.
6. You are offended by this because you got 5 out of 5 so far.
| Subject | Grade | Teachers Comment |
|---|---|---|
| Religion | D | To the question Who made the world? persisted in answering My dad. Claims bible originated from the same source. |
| English | D+ | Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and uses outmoded figures of speech. |
| History | A | Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious History. |
| Geography | C- | Assignment on Hot, dry lands was excellent, but shows little interest in the rest. In geology, keeps talking about the Rock of Ages instead of the ages of Rock. |
| Social Studies | B+ | Shows keen interest in social issues. |
| Mathematics | F | Lacks basics. Keeps muttering about Three in one and I and the father are one. |
| General Science | D | Lacks disipline – e.g., when asked to repeat the experiment for making hydrogen, claimed he knew a better way. |
| Graphic Communication | D | Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand to pencil and paper. |
| Consumer Education | C+ | Interesting ideas about alternative life style: Something about living like sparrows and lilies of the fields…too impractical. |
| Art Craft | B | Obviously has imagination and creativity, a good potter – likes working with dirt and water. |
| Material Studies | A | Excellent in woodwork section. Obviously receives help and stimulation at home. |
| Music/Drama | B+ | A keen member of the school choir. On occasions can be frighteningly dramatic. |
| Community Living | A | Keenly interested in all aspects of community. |
| Physical Education | D- | A trouble maker – e.g. during the learn-to-swim campaign insisted on trying to walk across the pool. |
| Health Classes | A | Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid and knowledge of the body. |
TEACHERS COMMENT: This boy has a very unhealthy tendency
to form gangs. He has organized twelve of his friends into a gang and is
seen constantly in the company of the children of publicans and sinners.
He needs to be more selective in his choice of friends. Also, he should
learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the
school uniform.