Old and New Jokes

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summers day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the suns setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: Sisters, Ive been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. Its been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell LeRoy!! your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think its time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, I think Ill name my husband Seven-UP.

Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband Seven-UP? queries one of the old gals.

Why, hes got seven inches and its always up! replies the first lady.

The second lady then muses a bit and says, I think Im going to name my LeRoy Mountain Dew.

Why, sister, why are you going to name him Mountain Dew?

Well, cuz mountin is one thing he do real well, the second lady says.

Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask, And, what will you name your husband, sister?

Ive been thinking that I just might name him Jack Daniels, she said.

Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!

Thats my LeRoy!, the third woman responds.

A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her drivers license and offered to take her moms car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked, What grade, miss?

Eleventh! she replied.

(Did I mention she was also Blonde?)

Coca-cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
Dumbest dog: Afghan
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
Amount American Airlines saved in 87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
Barbies measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
% of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
% of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
% of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7
Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage
Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
Only food that does not spoil: honey
Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Eskimos never gamble.
The worlds youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Mark Twain didnt graduate from elementary school.
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
Your nose and ears never stop growing.
Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
Hot water is heavier than cold.
The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
Starfish have eight eyes–one at the end of each leg.
Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.
There are more collect calls on Fathers Day than any other day of the year.
Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Men get hiccups more often than women.
Armadillos can be housebroken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. Youve got to have a room somewhere. he pleaded. Or just a bed – I dont care where.

Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.

No problem, the tired traveler assured him. Ill take it.

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?

Nope. I shut him up in no time?

Howd you manage that?

He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room, John said.

I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

Hed toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughters date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, Thats wonderful. Isnt he smart? What do you think hes going to be when he grows older?!

The father replies From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!

A man walks into a department store and needs to get to the bathroom, located in the back of the store. He decides to get there by going down the first aisle he sees. He starts to turn the corner when he sees a priest just standing there, staring. He thinks this strange, but decides not to disturb the priest. The man decides to go down the next aisle, but again, finds another priest standing there staring. He thinks nothing of it and proceeds to the next aisle. When he gets to the third aisle, there is again another priest. The man, now curious as to what is going on, decides to venture down the aisle. When he gets half way down, he reads a sign.

Boys Pants, Half Off

Un psicólogo se dedica a aplicar exámenes para estimar el coeficiente intelectual de la gente. Una de las preguntas en el test es contar del uno al diez. Llega el primer entrevistado:

A ver, cuente del uno al diez.

Diez, nueve, ocho, siete, seis, cinco, cuatro, tres, dos, uno.

¿Qué?

Uy, perdón, es que verá, como yo trabajaba en la NASA, me acostumbre a contar al revés y…

Aparece el segundo:

A ver, preste atención porque esta pregunta es muy fácil pero le puede hacer perder puntos; cuénteme del uno al diez.

Uno, tres, cinco, siete, nueve, dos, cuatro, seis, ocho, diez.

¿Qué?

Ay, lo siento, verá, es que yo trabajaba de cartero, y claro, acostumbrado a ver los números pares a un lado de la calle y los impares al otro pues…

Finalmente entra un tercer individuo:

Bueno, y ahora llegamos a una pregunta un poco delicada porque ¿usted sabrá contar, verdad?

Hombre, por supuesto. Sepa que yo soy diputado y que para conseguir mi trabajo tuve que pasar unas oposiciones muy duras para las que debí estudiar mucho.

Ajá, me alegro. Bueno, pues cuénteme del uno al diez.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, sota, caballo, rey…

2 guys go into a bar. One guy said to the other, why is that monkey over there? He answer Well watch this.

He went and slapped the monkey across the head and the monkey went and sucked his dong. So he said to the other guy, Wanna try that?



He answered Sure. Just dont hit me as hard as you hit that monkey.

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.