Old and New Jokes

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I dont think its fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket? Ever go fishing? the policeman asked the man. Um, yeah… so, the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, Ever catch ALL the fish?

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society….

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to
perform more childcare tasks — especially cleaning up spills and
little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorites stores return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting US presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal gasses back
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength versions.

Una dama de sociedad visita a su párroco un día y le comenta:

Padre, estoy muy preocupada, resulta que tengo dos cotorras hembras que sólo dicen: somos prostitutas ¿quieren divertirse?

El sacerdote extrañado del caso, le dice:

Eso es muy obsceno, pero creo que tengo la solución hija mía. Yo tengo aquí en la parroquia dos loros machos, a los cuales les he enseñado a rezar y a leer la Biblia. Ellos están muy educados y hablan sólo de Dios, y creo que si traes a tus cotorras y las juntamos con mis loros, ellas se salvarán y te las llevarás a tu casa educadas y refinadas. Mis loros podrán enseñarle a tus cotorras como leer la Biblia y como rezar en las tardes.

La señora sale ilusionada con la idea y a la media hora regresa con las dos cotorras a la iglesia.

El sacerdote la hace pasar y la lleva hasta la jaula donde se encuentran los dos loros que, en efecto, están rezando muy bajito. Impresionada, la señora le da las dos cotorras al cura, y éste las mete en la jaula de los loros.

En cuanto las sueltan dentro de la jaula, las cotorras dicen:

Hola, somos prostitutas, ¿quieren divertirse?

Se hace un silencio abismal. Finalmente, un loro mira a cada lado y le dice al otro:

José, quítate el hábito, nuestras plegarias al fin han sido escuchadas.

Two nuns come over here from Ireland. They are riding the bus from the airport to their hotel and one turns to the other and says these people are barbarians, i have heard that they eat dog. the other nun gasps. they get off the bus and see a vendor selling food so the first nun walks over and asks for two dogs. he hands her two hot dogs and she quickly rejoins her companion, handing over one packet. She opens hers and gasps what part did you get?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bitter Bianca!
Bitter Bianca who?
Bitter Bianca next train out of here, pardner!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, Okay, guys, you can come out now.

Mr.
Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban
girls junior college. During class one day he asked
his student, "Miss Simison, would you please
name the organ of the human body, which under the
appropriate conditions, expands to six times its
normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr.
Cikoch, I dont think that is a proper question
to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of
this. "With that she sat down red-faced.
Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked
the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure,
replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And
now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to
you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two,
you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some
day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!

Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, motion sickness!

Meow occassionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!

Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.

Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say Ding! at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

Bring a chair along.

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.

Two nuns are traveling through Tansylvania in their car. They get stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

Quick, quick!! shouts the first nun, What shall I do?

Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination, shouts the second.

She switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

Whatll I do now?, shouts the first nun.

Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican! says the second.

The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

Now what? screams the first nun.

Show him your cross! says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!