Old and New Jokes

One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.
The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!

During the Great Depression, two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a Baptist Church. They see a big sign posted that says, join our church and you get fifty dollars.

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, Murray, whats going on?

Abe, replies Murray, Im thinking of doing it.

Abe says, What are you, crazy?

Murray thinks for a minute and says, Abe, Im going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food on the table. With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.

So, asks Abe, did you get your fifty dollars?

Murray looks up at him and says, Is that all you people think of?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Whittle!
Whittle who?
Whittle Orphan Annie!

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the doors edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that those crazy guys had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Yo mamas teeth are so rotton when she smiles it looks like she ate a bag of oreo cookies.

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

Well, Father, began the old man, At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.

Thats a wonderful thing, interjected the priest, But its certainly nothing you need to confess! Its gets worse Father, continued the elderly fellow, I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.

Thank you Father, said the old man. Thats a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?

Of course, my son, said the priest.

The old man asked, Do I have to tell her that the war is over?