Old and New Jokes

So, one Saturday morning, Johnny wakes up early and goes to his parents room to wake them up. Finding the door closed, he opens it only to find Mom and Dad having wild sex. He realizes hes done something wrong by the way Mom screamed and Dad yelling at him to get out and shut the door.

After a few moments, Dad comes out and tries to comfort Johnny since hes crying and obviously upset.

What were you and Mommy doing in there? Johnny says thru his tears.

Well, son, Dad replies, we were trying to make you a baby brother.

Johnny is just happy as hell with this. He walks around school the next Monday and tells all his friends that hes going to have a baby brother, someone to play with, and all that.

Well, later in the week, Dad comes home from work only to find little Johnny sitting on the front porch really crying up a storm.

Whats the matter, Johnny? asks Dad.

Well, remember the baby brother you were trying to make for me?

Yes… replies the dad.

Well, when I came home from school today, I saw the postman trying to eat him.

On Monday Fred, an old country farmer, bought a mule from Luke, another old farmer, for $100. Luke promised to deliver the mule the next day.

On Tuesday Luke drove up and said, Sorry, Fred, but I have some bad news. The mule died.

Fred: Well, then, just give me my money back.

Luke: Cant do that. I went and spent it already.

Fred: Well, OK then. Just unload the mule.

Luke: What ya gonna do with a dead mule?

Fred: Im going to raffle him off.

Luke: You cant raffle off a dead mule!

Fred: Sure I can. I just wont tell anybody hes dead.

Several days later the two farmers meet up.

Luke: Whatever happened with that dead mule?

Fred: I raffled him off just like I said I would. Sold 500 tickets at $2 each!

Luke: Didnt anyone complain?

Fred: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

Once this guy found a magic lamp. He rubbed it 3 times and a genie came out. She said I will grant you 3 wishes for releasing me. First, the guy wished for money. He got it. Next, he wished for a new truck. While he was driving along in his new truck, he heard his favorite jingle. He started singing along to it,Oh, I wish I were an Occar Mayer Weener, that is what I want to be, for if I were an Osc- POOF! the guy turned into a hot dog.

No matter which direction you start, its always against the wind coming back.

A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right he asked, Did you pour beer on my trousers? Nope, came the reply. Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, Did you pour beer on my trousers? The man also replied, Nope. Hmm … then it must be an inside job, he murmured.

The Perfect Dump – Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, its rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But thats not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump – Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumpers tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesnt matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump – Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump – Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from? you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump – In case you didnt know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Dont ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump – This is the masterpiece of dumps. Its as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe thats going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump – Youre done…you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no, someone would say Where are the curtains?

What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Yo mama is so poor that when u stepped on the cigarette she said hey, who turned off the heat?

Yo mama is so fat that when she wears and orange dress bungee jumping people think the sun is falling.

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesnt know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, Excuse me sir …..can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?



He says , Maam Im blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didnt believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said Thats a 6 graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line……Its a good all around rod and reel and its $20.00.



She says, Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think its what Im looking for so Ill take it He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes

that there is no way he could tell it was her … being blind he wouldnt know that she was the only person around.



He rings up the sale and says, That will be $25.50.

She says, But didnt you say it was $20.00?

He says, Yes maam, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!

Back during the Solidarity days, I heard that the following joke was
being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has
never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail? he asks.

Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw.

But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?

Well, thered be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by
the National Bank of Poland.

And if the National Bank of Poland fails?

Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow.

And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?

Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet
Union.

And if that bank fails?

Well, in that case, youd lose all your money. But, wouldnt it be
worth it?

David-Fiske