Old and New Jokes

A: A foursome.

They say that men only think about sex. Thats not exactly true.

They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

December 26, 1999

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that Im writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

Im not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?!

That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadnt fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he cant even walk into his house.

Dont let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. Ill fuck you up. Ill throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so youll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didnt get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year youll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

In the back woods of Kentucky, the rednecks wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing.

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor. Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think theres yet another one to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. No, no, dont be in a hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems theres yet another one in there! cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, You reckon its the light thats attractin em?

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise________ Calories burned per hour

Beating around the bush -75

Jumping to conclusions – 100

Climbing the walls – 150

Swallowing your pride – 50

Passing the buck – 25

Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) – 50-300

Dragging your heels – 100

Pushing your luck – 250

Making mountains out of molehills – 500

Hitting the nail on the head – 50

Wading through paperwork – 300

Bending over backwards – 75

Jumping on the bandwagon – 200

Balancing the books – 25

Running around in circles – 350

Eating crow – 225

Tooting your own horn – 25

Climbing the ladder of success – 750

Pulling out the stops – 75

Adding fuel to the fire – 160

Wrapping it up at the days end – 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms – 50

Putting your foot in your mouth – 300

Starting the ball rolling – 90

Going over the edge – 25

Picking up the pieces after – 350

From the Urban Myths column of The Guardian Weekend (18 Dec 1993)

Some friends of friends had a precocious eight-year-old who counted as his girlfriend a little girl who attended the same school.

During the Christmas term, the kids were selected for parts in the traditional Nativity play. The boy was extremely upset at the casting. His girlfriend landed the part of Mary, but he didnt get to play Joseph opposite her.

Nevertheless, he took his role seriously, and all the rehearsals went smoothly. Come the big night, all the parents were glowing with pride at the heart-warming performances.

Cushion-pregnant Mary and her husband Joseph duly arrived at the inn, and asked if there was any room for them for the night. It was the little boys big moment, and he did not disappoint.

You can come in Mary, he shouted, grabbing her by the arm, but Joseph can sod off.

Apparently, later in the same play, Mary was tending to the little doll, new-born in the manger, when one of the shepherds stutteringly asked what she was going to call the infant.

Mary thought hard for a minute. Then her face lit up, and she replied, Tracey.

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde,
one was a redhead.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didnt
happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing
few moments no one volunteered.Finally the redhead gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded.

Bumper stickers seen this weekend …..

Youre just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

I have the body of a god……..Buddha.

This would be really funny if it werent happening to me.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

The face is familiar but i cant quite remember my name.

Illiterate? Write for help.

Honk if anything falls off.

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.

This isnt my idea of a good time.

Its been lovely, but I have to scream now.

Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.

This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.

I havent lost my mind its backed up on disk somewhere.

Oh, evolve!

Gone crazy be back shortly.

If youre not outraged youre not paying attention.

Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldnt cover her

Estaban una pareja de casados en su recamara cuando el esposo le pregunta a su esposa:

Mi amor, ¿qué te parece si le escribimos a la cigüeña?

A lo que su esposa responde:

Para que, si tu pluma ni sirve.