Old and New Jokes

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided theres an engineer around to explain how to do it.

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?

The boy said, Look Im an engineer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, Well, then, that means that you virtually dont exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, What, you dont have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you dont have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, youre probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class

A Pope, a boy scout, and the smartest guy in the world are on an airplane that is going down (because the pilot had a heart attack).

The boy scout says, Well, there are only two parachutes aboard. Who is going to use them?Since I am the smartest guy in the world I feel I need to use a parachute. So, he grabs a bag and jumps out.Looks like there is only one left, and since I have lived a full life you can use the other parachute. said the Pope.No. We can both live! says the boy scout.How? asked the Pope.The smartest guy in the world grabbed my backpack, not the parachute!

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but you have to wonder how they got in there.

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?, he asked.

Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?, he asked again.

Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said –

What a cute little fart!

Every ones heard Of Murphys Laws. Well here are some similiar ones:

Dixons Law: When youre driving behind a slow moving vechile in a no pasing zone; that vehicle will always turn in the same direction at the same intersection you do…
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: Theres always one more bug.
Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights; the greater the distance between gates.
Law of Goverment: The amount of time required to finish any project is equal to the amount of time already spent on it.
Law of Energy: Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good nights sleep.

One Last Thought … Murphy Was An Optimist!!!

JERUSALEM – In a surprise move today, Judaism filed suit against the Catholic Church, claiming Catholicism copied the look and feel of the religion.

Judaism, which has held the patent on the concept of a monotheistic religion for over 3500 years as well as the copyright on Yahweh ™ The Old Testament ™ and the use of CH for the H sound, is suing for 2000 years of back royalties.

They are also asking that the court disallow the use of the term Judeo-Christian from all textbooks. The Pope was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman from the Vatican stated the suit was unfounded as the patent on the concepts shared by the two religions has long expired, and that the suit violates the separation of church and state.

More news as the case develops.