Old and New Jokes

Somebody recent vandalised the local nudist camp. They put a hole in the wall, and the police are currently looking into it.

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.

The second smiled, Thats nothing he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them.

The third grinned and said You two didnt have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.

Le pregunta un argentino a un extranjero que visita su país:

Che, ¿sabés cual es el país más cercano al cielo?

Argentina me supongo…, respode el otro, enfadado.

No che, no… es Uruguay, que está al lado de Argentina.

Representantes de Kentucky Fried Chicken se reúnen para negociar con el Papa; le proponen pagarle $1000,000 por cambiarle al padrenuestro una simple palabra: en lugar de decir el pan nuestro de cada día, decir el pollo nuestro de cada día. Pero el Sumo Pontífice no accede.

Yo no puedo cambiar las palabras del padrenuestro. Es pecado.

Entonces, los negociantes prometen pagarle $10000,000 en efectivo y un 10% de las ganancias de las ventas. En ese momento, el Santo Padre se queda pensando y saca su teléfono celular del bolsillo y llama al 1-800-CIELO, y pregunta:

¿Se encuentra el Jefe?

No, habla con San Pedro, ¿qué se le ofrece?

San Pedro, ¿usted podría decirme cuándo termina el contrato con las panaderías?

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the persons chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

A regular at Bobs Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

Whoa, Sam! said the bartender. Who gave those beauties to you?

Nobody gave them to me, said Sam. I had to fight like crazy for both of them.

All men are Idiots, and I married their King!