Old and New Jokes

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

Look, she said, I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

A lady lost her cat, and took the cat in a little casket up to a big church and said, I want you to bury my cat. And they run her off. She went to another church, and they run her off. She took the cat to a Baptist church on the edge of town, and told the preacher she couldnt find anybody to hold a service for her dead cat. And the man talked to her bad.
How dare you think that we bury cats?

She said, Well, Im frustrated and Im prepared to give two thousand dollars to whoever gives a service for my cat. And the preacher said, Lady, why didnt you tell me your cat was a Baptist?

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?

No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?

It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.

Whats it telling you now? she asked.

Well, it says youre not wearing any panties. he said.

The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains, Damn thing must be an hour fast.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could

outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of

one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had

enough.

Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said.

I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over

to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back.

Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said…

All right. Get in.!

Subject: more microsoft c humor

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version – Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(It will be ready in, today+30_days, were just testing);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(Yes it will work);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to
the 32 bits architecture);
inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);
inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memorychip plant
cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs);
inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone);
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe) {
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {
order(journalist, write a nice objective article);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(It will be ready in,today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{ ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,
Keep an eye on this bastard);
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); }

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

Q: Whats better than winning 4 gold medals at the special olympics?

A: Not being retarded!

Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1

With such a large selection of programming languages it can be
difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,
most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
automobiles.

Assembler
A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain.

FORTRAN II
A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.

FORTRAN IV
A Model A Ford.

FORTRAN 77
A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
no seat belts.

COBOL
A delivery van. Its bulky and ugly, but it does the work.

BASIC
A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
Youll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.

PL/I
A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-
tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and
fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield

C
A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional
seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to
assembler).

ALGOL 60
An Austin Mini. Boy, thats a small car.

Pascal
A Volkswagon Beetle. Its small but sturdy. Was once
popular with intellectuals.

Modula II
A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.

ALGOL 68
An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone
can drive it.

LISP
An electric car. Its simple but slow. Seat belts are not
available.

PROLOG/LUCID
Prototype concept-cars.

Maple/MACSYMA
All-terrain vehicles.

FORTH
A go-cart.

LOGO
A kiddies replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real
engine and a working horn.

APL
A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of
passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it
drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.

Ada
An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.
No other colors or options are available. If its good
enough for the generals, its good enough for you.
Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the
design specification are starting to clear up.

Why do baby chicks say cheap, cheap, cheap? Because they cant say expensive, expensive, expensive!

Candy Bar Life

It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar and whispered Hey Sweetheart, howd you like Crunch on My Big Hunk she replied Oh Henry, what a Whopper.

Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldnt resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger slipped into her tight little Kit Kat as she screamed Oh Henry, Oh Henry soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnuts.

It wasnt long before I blew my Milk Duds to Mars, which gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked about M&M , but I said Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff you little Reeses pieces.Dont be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why dont you grab my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O Honey

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed Oh you Cracker Jack, better than the Three Muskteers as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well I was giving it to her Good N Plenty when all of a sudden…my Starburst! Yeah as luck would have it she started to get Chunky, complained of a Wrigley in her stomach and nine months later out popped BABY RUTH.

Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via firing squad. The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said Ready, aim … at which point the brunettes yelled Earthquake!!!.



The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped. Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said Ready, aim … at which point the redheads

yelled Tornado!!!.



The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redhead guys all took off and escaped. The firing squad took the blonde guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said Ready, aim … , the blonde guys all yelled out Fire!!!.