Old and New Jokes

The local priest returns to his car to find a traffic warden in the process of giving him a parking ticket.

Priest: Hello there, you couldnt see youre way clear to forgetting about that could you, my son.

TW: Sorry, farther, once Ive started filling the form in Ive got to finish

Priest: Thats OK. Its my fault. I parked in the wrong place.

TW: Thats very good of you, we usually get all kinds of abuse in these circumstances.

Priest: Wouldnt here of such a thing, after all it was my fault. Were having a tea party this weekend would you like to come?

TW: Well, that is good of you, farther. Yes, Ill be there. Its so refreshing to talk to someone who understands the position Im in.

Priest: Maybe you would like to bring youre mother and farther along, as well, and I could marry them!

APPETIZERS

ROSE LOPEZ NACHOS………….$3.55
Spicy, with a thick Spanish Accent,Nachos
havent been this good since.. I cant
remember!

SOUPS & SALADS

DEJURY………………….$3.95
Aged for one year. May be bitter.

KATO SALAD…………………$3.95
An Empty head of lettuce with very little
dressing

FROM THE BAR

PAULA BARBIERI COCKTAIL…$4.95
Cool, with a little honey on the side. Goes
down real easy.

MARCIA CLARK BEER…………$2.85
We thought we had a case, but now were not
sure.

SANDWICHES

SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH…….$3.95
Full of bologna and hard to swallow, but a lot
of people are buying it.

FROM THE GRILL

MARK FURMAN CHICKEN….$4.95
Absolutely NO dark meat!

DENNIS FUNG PLATE…………$22.95
Grilled detective served open faced. May be
contaminated.

DESSERTS

Sorry, our bakery is temporarily closed. The
lawyers have taken all the dough.

Once there was this guy, lets call him Fred, who had a very small penis. Poor Fred thought if only he had larger equipment then maybe the chicks would like him more.

One day Fred went into the mens room and a very short man dressed in green was standing there peeing. Well, Fred couldnt help but notice what an enourmous penis the man had and he said as much. How did it get so big? he asked incredulously.

With magic, the man replied, I am a leprechaun.

Fred was amazed. Can you make mine that big?

The leprechaun could and said he would if Fred would only do him a small favor…to bend over and let him have his way with Fred. Fred agreed and did so. When they were finished he pulled his pants back up and stood.

How old are you boy? the man in green asked as he stood at the door.

Thirty. Why?

Youre thirty years old and you still believe in leprechauns?

Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard, behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes.

You sign, you sign yells the Chinese geezer. Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has a got the wrong bloke.

Next day Nelson is watching a porno film when there is a knock on his door. Its the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts.

You Sign, You Sign screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelsons nose.

Look you Twat snarls Nelson Youve got the wrong bloke. I dont want brake parts, youve got the wrong bloke now FUCK OFF.

Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading Penthouse, when there is a knock on the door. Its the Chinese bloke again, behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts. The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson You sign, you sign.

Well thats it Nelson loses his wig and picks the Chinese bloke up by his shirt and yells Youve got the wrong bloke, if you disturb me again Ill fucking chin yer. I dont want these car parts. YOUVE GOT THE WRONG BLOKE!!!!.

The Chinese bloke looks at his clipboard and says You not Nissan Maindealer?

No pre-marital sex.
No oral sex ever.
No booze.
No topless bars.
No Playboy channel.
No organized sports of any kind, to speak of.
Hooters. What is this Hooters of which you speak!
Sand everywhere.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating with your right hand only cause you wipe your butt with your left.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door, no wait, is that music? cant tell !!
Bar-B-Q cooked over camel dung.
Prayer four times a day.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
Oh, and by the way, when you die it all gets better!

Érase una vez en la selva, que los animales tenían un serio problema de personalidad: ninguno de ellos sabía quienes eran, a excepción de la jirafa que era sicóloga.

El primero en consultarla fue el pollito: señora jirafa, tengo un gran problema: no sé quien soy.

La jirafa le contesta: mira, tú tienes plumas que son amarillas, haces pío pío: eres un pollito.

¡Claro!, es cierto, ¡soy un pollito! Gracias.

Se va el pollito y en el camino se encuentra con el león, que estaba muy triste.

¿Qué le pasa señor?, le pregunta el pollito.

Es que no sé quién soy, responde el león.

Ah, eso no es problema, contesta el pollito, usted tiene melena y ruge: usted es un león.

¡Sí, sí, soy un león! Muchas gracias.

Un momento después pasa un zorrillo, muy preocupado también. Por lo que el león le pregunta que era lo que le sucedía.

Es que no sé quién soy, le dice el zorrillo.

Pero si es muy fácil saberlo, declara el león, tienes pelo, el pelo es negro, tienes una raya en el medio y hueles a diablos: ¡eres un coño!

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.



When he gets close he hears one say to the other Heres to 17 days!



Smiling, the bartender says, Congratulations! Whats so special about 17 days?



Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, Well, weve been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!

Atlanta Coca-Cola is fixing an embarrassing typo in the word disk
in copyright information on about 2 million 12-packs of the drink.

In the misprint, the s is replaced by a c. Normally, the small type
under the copyright information states that the red disk icon and contour
bottle are trademarks of the Coca-Cola Co.

In August, 12 men were arrested near Szczecin in northern Poland as they
were digging up a road because they had heard a rumor that it was built
with a large stockpile of police-confiscated hashish. The hashish had been
sold to a chemical plant to be incinerated into ash for road
construction.

A nose by any other name would smell as sweet.