Old and New Jokes

Although in recent years, the Irish seem to have been shamefully neglected as a good group to ridicule (except perhaps in the UK), I come from a huge (what other kind is there?) Irish family, and telling jokes at our own expense occupies a lot of our time at family gatherings, e.g.:

A VERY pregnant Irish woman awakes in the middle of the night and says to her husband, Paddy, darlin turn on the light, the babys comin

Paddy turns on the light, and they successfully deliver a little baby, get it fed, stick it in a cradle, and go back to sleep.

A bit later, the wife says,Bejesus, Paddy, turn on the light. Its twins, it is!

Paddy turns on the light; second baby delivered, fed, cradled; couple goes back to sleep.

(This happens as many times as you like)

Finally, the wife awakens, and cries, Bejesus, Paddy, another one, turn on the light!

Paddy, without turning over in bed, says: I will not. Its the light thats attracting em.

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.

She then wrote a note saying,

Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,

How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

Una vez cuando un padre estaba comenzando la misa empezó un terremoto y la gente en la iglesia comenzaron a gritar y el padre les dice:

Hijos míos, recen un Padre nuestro.

Y empezaron: Padre nuestro…

Pero luego la intensidad del terremoto fue mayor y el padre dice:

Hijos míos, recen un Ave María.

Y empezaron: Dios te salve…

Pero por desgracia el terremoto fue aún mayor y comenzaron a caerse las tablas del techo. Y el padre grita:

¡Hijos míos, las tablas!

Y la gente comenzó:

1X1=1, 1X2=2…

After Bill Clinton Dies he goes directly to Hell. Upon arriving he is met by Satan, who informs him that Hell is currently full but since he REALLY deserves to be there, they will make special arrangements by letting someone else leave to make room for Bill. And, as a special favor, he will be given a choice of people to replace. Satan then leads Bill to a room with three doors.

The first door opens. Behind the door is Newt Gingrich. Hes being worked over with a blowtorch. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, That looks painful. I dont think this is for me.



The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says, I dont think this is for me.



The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. I can handle that! Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.



Very well, says Satan. Monica, youve been pardoned – you may go now.

Monica Lewinski walks into a cleaners carrying her blue dress. After she
dropped it off for it to be cleaned and was about to walk out the door,
the little chinese man behind the counter said, Come again!

No Monica says, This time its mayonaise!

Three AM comes around and Hillary tries to wake up Bill.

Bill mumbles What?

Hillary gives him another shake.

Im sleeping. says Bill, and he falls back asleep.

Finally Hillary pushes him out of bed. Bill gets up off the floor and says
OK, Im up. What do you want?

I have to go to the bathroom. says Hillary

You mean you woke me up at three in the morning just to tell me you had to go
to the bathroom!

No, says Hillary, I want you to save my spot

Yo mama so fat she got her own magnetic poles.

Stallone, Tony Danza ,and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.

Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says hell be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says Ill be Bach!

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.

After a while the first woman sighed, Oy! The others sighed sympathetically.

Then the second woman sighed, Oy Vey!

The others nodded.

A third woman said, Oy, Gottenyu!

The others nodded as if in agreement.

Finally, the fourth woman said, Enough talk about the children. Lets go for a walk!