Tres muchachos después de una borrachera chocaron y fallecieron. Llegaron a una nube y ahí vieron cien escaleras que subían y una voz dijo:

Aquel que quiera llegar al cielo debe recorrer las cien escaleras y tocar la puerta de San Pedro pero no deben decir ninguna grosería en el transcurso ni en el cielo. Aquel que lo haga se caera al infierno.

El primer muchacho iba en las diez primeras pero dijo: ¡PUTAS ESCALERAS ESTAN BIEN FACILES!

Y se cayó al infierno.

El segundo iba en la mitad pero dijo: ¡AY PENDEJAS ESCALERAS MAMONAS YA ME CANSE PUTO EL QUE LAS HIZO!

Y se cayó.

Ya el ultimo llega muy cansado y toca la puerta de San Pedro y no le abre y dice:

PUTO SAN PEDRO ABRE LA PUERTA!

Y se cayó.

Después de diez segundos San Pedro abre la puerta, mira para abajo y dice: ¡QUE PUTAZO SE DIO ESTE!

Y se cayó al infierno.

Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking.



Hercules says, I think Im the strongest man in the world but it hasnt been proven yet.

Snow White says I think Im the fairest lady in the land but it hasnt been proven yet.

Quasie says I think Im the ugliest,meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasnt been proven yet.



The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says, Its true Im the strongest man in the world for God told me so.

Snow White says Its true Im the fairest lady in the land for God told me so.



Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.



Im afraid I dont have a husband, she replies.





O.K. do you have a boyfriend?, asks the Midwife.





No, no boyfriend either.





Do you have a partner then?





No, Im unattached, Ill be having the baby on my own.





After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.





You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.





Well, replies the girl. I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.





Oh, Im very sorry, says the midwife, thats really none of my business and Im sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.





Well yes, the girl again replies, you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?





Oh, Im sorry, the midwife repeats, thats really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.





Well yes, continues the girl, I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.





At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, Well thank God for that!





What do you mean?! says the midwife, shocked.





Well, says the girl extremely relieved, I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

Yes, the pet store owner said, this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

Thats to be expected, said the pet shop owner. Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrots owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

I see, said the pet shop owner. Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrots owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrots owner was there waiting as the store opened. Still no luck? asked the store owner.

No. Nothing said yet, answered the birds owner. Well, I bet the birds just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop. What? You want me to buy another bird!?! yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

No, no, calm down, reassured the store owner. All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! What happened? asked the store owner, Didnt the bird ever talk?

Yes, right before it died it said: Whats the matter? Dont they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.

You might be a redneck if…
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He had to get off on station that came up at 4 am. He asked the guy sitting opposite him on the train to wake him up at 4 am and gave him Rs 20 to do so. This guy was a barber, and felt that for Rs 20 the passenger deserved more service. So, when he fell asleep, the barber
quietly shaved off is beard!

When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. His wife said, Whats the matter? He replied, The cheat on the train has taken Rs 20 from me and has woken up someone else!!!

The Latin professor went into a bar after a hard day at work.

Whatll it be? asked the bartender.

A martinus, replied the Latin professor.

The bartender looked at the Latin professor, slightly puzzled.

Dont you mean martini?

If I wanted more than one, I would ask for more than one.

A girl phoned me the other day and said …. Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, do you think well ever find them? He said, I dont know kid, there are so many places they can hide.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least five pounds. When the blonde returns, shes lost nearly 20 pounds. Why, thats amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions? The blonde nods. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? said the doctor. No, from skipping, replied the blonde.