Old and New Jokes

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that shes low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

While shes pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying…

A little more to the left…a little more to the right

Q. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?

A. They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

IM GLAD IM A MAN

Im glad Im a man, you better believe. I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west.

I dont get wasted after only 2 beers, And when I do drink I dont end up in tears. I wont spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I dont go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I dont whine in public and make us leave early, And when you ask why get all bitter and surly. Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing. I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring. I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I dont carry our differences into the sack. Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you Or think every guy out theres trying to steal you. Im rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. Its more fun than dealing with women after all. I wont cry if you say its not going to work. I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I wont assume its permanent by any measure. Yes, Im so very glad Im a man, you see. Im glad Im not capable of child delivery. I dont get all bitchy every 28 days. Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true. Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you!

The buzz word in todays business world is Marketing. However, people Often ask for simple explanation of Marketing. Well, here it is:Youre a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, Im fantastic in bed.Thats Direct Marketing.Youre at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, Shes fantastic in bed.Thats Advertising.You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi! Im fantastic in bed.Thats Telemarketing.You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up him and pour him a drink. You say, May I? and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then I say, By the way. Im fantastic in bed.Thats Public Relations.Youre at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear youre fantastic in bed.Thats Brand Recognition.Youre at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.Thats a Sales Rep.Your friend cant satisfy him so he calls you.Thats Tech Support.Youre on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses youre passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, Im fantastic in bed!Thats Junk Mail.

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first days competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldnt take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests….instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, Im sorry, but if theres one thing I cant stand, its chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Hello, is this the FBI?

Yes. What do you want?

Im calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bobs house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bobs house.

Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Merry Christmas Buddy

Una pareja se encuentra a varios kilómetros de la ciudad. Están dentro de un coche y empiezan a tocarse. Cuando las cosas están al rojo vivo, la mujer le advierte:

Mira, guapo, resulta que soy prostituta y el polvo te va a costar 10 mil pesetas.

El tío, que ya no puede aguantar el calentón, acepta. Después del polvo ella le pide:

¿Por qué no me llevas a la ciudad a tomar algo?

Mira, bonita, resulta que soy taxista y la carrera hasta la ciudad te costará 20 mil pesetas.

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

Exactly where were you at the time of the accident? inquired the officer.

Mister, exclaimed the telephone lineman, I was at the top of the pole!