A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.

How bad is it? the doctor asks.

I have no idea, the husband says.

Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesnt hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner?

No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5 feet: Same thing. Finally, hes standing right behind her: Whats for dinner?

She turns around, looks at him and says:For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!

Dont worry. Ive had a vasectomy/hysterectomy. I wont come in your mouth, I promise. Im not really married. Its only a cold sore. Looks arent important to me. I like you for your personality. Size isnt important. This wont hurt, I promise. We dont have to go all the way, well just lie here and hold each other. Well always be together. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Dont do it if you cant keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who dont have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isnt taken, theres a reason (corollary to the above ) If you cant stand his mother and he cant stand yours, then youre bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but dont get caught. Money cant buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when shes tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if its done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa… When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

Mary had a little skirt

Split right up the sides,

And every time she wore that skirt

The boys could see her thighs.

She also had another skirt

Split right up the front

But she never wore that one

Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, service to Los Angeles continuing on to San Diego. Before we take off, wed like to acquaint you with some of the safety features of this Boeing 767. You know about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket for information on all features of our aircraft.

Please do pay attention to the new security features.

In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They are fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, centered on the middle of your targets torso. Depress the trigger repeatedly to fire. The pistol holds 10 rounds; after the last the slide will lock back. Depress the clip release button located above the grip on the left side, remove the clip and slide a new one into place. Please be careful of your field of fire, and continue firing until your target goes down.

Your seats backs are equipped with kevlar armor, stay well down and aim over the top or around the side.

Your flight attendants are all armed with compact submachine guns; please follow their lead in directing fire.

If you feel you are unable to perform these duties, or are a conscientious objector, please let our attentants know so we can reseat you in the cowards rows at the rear of the plane and not bring you drinks or peanuts.

For your safety, the aisles are equipped with electrified strips and computer controlled antipersonnel mines. For this reason, please remain in your seats until the captain has signalled all clear.

Note that the area around the cockpit is cleared of seats and marked with contrasting carpet. Under no circumstances should you cross this barrier during flight, various automatic devices will be activated to protect the cockpit.

The hatch in the floor at the back of the cabin is similarly marked and should be avoided during flight.

Anyone creating a disturbance, caught tampering with the pistol cases or smoke detectors in the lavatories will be apprehended and ejected via the rear floor hatch.

Thank you, and have a pleasant flight. We know you have a choice when you fly, and we thank you for choosing Northwest…

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.Arent you going to have a drink yourself? asked the doctor.Sure, after the police leave, replied the lawyer.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well doc, its like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hanf, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the jar open.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part theyre playing (See the formula @ the start.)

¡Mañana los quiero a todos aquí a las 6:00 A.M. sin pretextos! les decia el general del 4o regimiento de caballería a sus soldados.

Al día siguiente, a la hora señalada, ¡no había llegado nadie! El general estaba furioso, cuando ve que viene uno de sus soldados a pie.

¿Qué le paso?, ¡les dije que a las 6:00!

Sí, mi general, pero venía en mi caballo y que mete la pata en un pozo y se le quebró la pata, y no me quedó más remedio que matarlo y dejarlo en el camino y venirme a pie.

¡Ah, caray! No, pos pásele.

Otro soldado que venía atrás escuchó el pretexto del caballo y cuando llega con el general:

Fíjese mi general que yo venía en mi caballo, pero lo mordió una víbora y se me murió en el camino y yo me vine a pie.

Otro soldado: Fijese mi general que venía en mi yegua y se puso a dar a luz y la dejé en el camino y me tuve que venir caminando.

Y todos los soldados que llegaban daban el pretexto del caballo, y el general más se iba encabronando.

¡A ver usted!, ¿por qué llegó tarde?

Fíjese mi general, que venía en mi caballo, y que le da la encefalitis equina, y se me muere en el camino y me tuve que venir a pie.

¡Me lleva la chingada! ¡Próximo cabrón que me salga conque le pasó algo a su caballo, lo mando fusilar!

En eso llega el soldado Pepito.

¡Usted!, soldado Pepito, ¿por qué llega tarde? ¡No vaya a salir con el pretexto del caballo!

No, mi general, yo venía a toda a madre en mi camioneta, pero el camino estaba hasta la chingada de caballos muertos, y no pude pasar, así que dejé la camioneta y me vine a pie!

Un tipo hosco y mal encarado entra a un banco. De forma prepotente le ordena a la cajera:

¡Quiero abrir una pinche cuenta en este banco de porquería!

¡Por favor, señor, está prohibido hablar de esa manera aquí!

¿Por qué jijos de la chingada no puedo hablar como se me dé mi gana?

¡Señor, le suplico que deje de decir vulgaridades!, solicita la chica con serenidad.

Me vale madres lo que usted piense, yo sólo quiero abrir una maldita cuenta en este banco de mierda!

La cajera, indignada por el comportamiento del grosero individuo, se va y regresa acompañada del gerente del banco para que éste lo ponga en su lugar. El gerente, muy diplomáticamente, se dirige al hombre:

Disculpe, caballero, ¿puedo ayudarle en algo?

¡Vaya pregunta pendeja! ¡Claro que me puedes ayudar, tarado! Me acabo de ganar pinches 50 millones de dólares en la lotería y quiero abrir una cuenta en esta porquería de banco!

¡Ah, ya veo… Y esta estúpida perra mal parida lo está molestando, ¿verdad, pendeja?, responde el gerente cambiando de actitud.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1. Religion 2. Royalty 3. Sex 4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:



My God, said the Queen, Im pregnant. I wonder who did it!