Old and New Jokes

The Lady of the manor lived on for many years after the old Lord had died. Indeed, she continued in the true blue-blooded ways to which the old Lord had always set the finest example, including maintaining their wide circle of august friends.

For this particular evening the old Lady had arranged a large dinner at the manor and of course the finest of aristocracy in the land had accepted invitations.

Unfortunately the old dear had developed a severe wind problem, shall we say. But being a pragmatist and CERTAINLY not prepared to even entertain the THOUGHT of cancelling the dinner, she summoned the butler before the first guests were due to arrive.

George, she said, You are of course aware of my WIND problem. No, no, do not hesitate, I KNOW you are! Just please do as I ask. Please see that you stand right behind me all evening, just in case I should need you.

Yes, Maam, said George.

That evening, halfway through the third course, it duly happened. The old Lady let loose with a real whopper – a roar! Immediately she turned around in her chair and said, George, will you STOP that!

And George promptly responded, Yes, Maam, if I can find out which way it went.

Youve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
Arsenio touches your knee.
Even Richard Dawson wont kiss you.
Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesnt bother you.
The EPA comes looking for you.
You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
Frederic actually comes to your door himself … just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
When people say Ho, Ho, Ho and its July.
When you dont know Whats his name?
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
You are the headquarters for the CDC.
Your baby looks familiar, but … like who?
When they change your # to 976.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonalds calls you The Happy Meal.
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
When youve got a Take a NUmber machine at your door.
When they call you Shazam and they dont mean the money machine!
When you get hemorrhoids on your shoulders.
When getting dresses is not part of your day.
Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
When youre wearing more latex than spandex.
When your motto is 2 Days, 2 Pounds … $2.90.
When your ceiling mirrors fog.
When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
On the golf course, your afraid to yell Fore (four).
When the word Slalom gets you excited.
When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
When you have a neon sign saying open at night.
You want to have your name changed to Misty.
Madonna comes to you for pointers.
You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
You havent seen your floor in a week.
When sunlight scares you.
When your favorite quote is next please.
You know all the people in Americas Most Wanted.
When Susan Sarandon envies you.
When Guinness Book starts calling.
When every song reminds you of someone … but who?
When everyone is refers to you as dear and honey.
When he doesnt even have to buy you a drink.
When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
The only place you havent had sex is on the moon.
When a mens prison becomes a vacation hot spot
The Big Dipper looks inviting.
When soft foods have become distasteful.
White sauce is a staple in your diet.
When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
When other women begin to call you Mans Best Friend.
You and Prince have already made 3 records.
When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.

How many Mormons Does it take to change a lightbulb?

Young Women: Only one but she has to say the theme first.

Relief Society: One to bring the doilies, ten to bring a salad or dessert, and one to change the lightbulb.

High Priests: One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the oxygen tank.

Anyone else: They change the light bulb while the ward clerk decides how much to refund them.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first babys pacifier by boiling it and to your last babys pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts cant quite reach anything.

Un hombre llega a un bar con un pañuelo negro por debajo de la mandíbula y atado en la cabeza; enseguida se le acerca un amigo:

¿Qué te pasa?

¡Que se ha muerto mi suegra!

¿Y ahí llevas el luto?

¡No, qué va! es para no reírme.

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:



a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town



2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after youve both shared:



a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers



3. You time your orgasm so that:



a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You dont miss SportsCenter



4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:



a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about



5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman youve just had sex with is:



a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra



6. Your girlfriend says shes gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:



a) No concern of yours

b) Not a problem – she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate



7. You think todays sensitive, caring man is:



a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron



8. Foreplay is to sex as:



a) Appetizer is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A queue is to an amusement park ride



9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?



a) I hope we can still be friends.

b) Im not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….

c) Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.



10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:



a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldnt have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Q. What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?

A. I just got laid and now Im getting hard!?!?

Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?



A: Booger King!!!