Old and New Jokes

Q. What is Michael Jacksons bedtime?

A. 6:33 PM… Right when the big hand touches the little hand.

Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after awhile neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when theyre driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, weve been seeing each other for exactly six months?

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe hes been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks Im trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesnt want, or isnt sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, Im not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so Id have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was… lets see. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealers, which means… lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: Hes upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe Im reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet thats it. Thats why hes so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. Hes afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And Im gonna have them look at the transmission again. I dont care what those morons say; its still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? Its 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: Hes angry. And I dont blame him. Id be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I cant help the way I feel. Im just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: Theyll probably say its only a 90-day warranty. Thats exactly what theyre gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe Im just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when Im sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? Ill give them a warranty. Ill take their warranty and stick it right up their….

Roger, Elaine says aloud. What? says Roger, startled.

Please dont torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have… I feel so… (She breaks down, sobbing.)

What? says Roger.

Im such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know theres no knight. I really know that. Its silly. Theres no knight, and theres no horse.

Theres no horse? says Roger.

You think Im a fool, dont you? Elaine says.

No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

Its just that… Its that I… I need some time, Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

Yes, he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.

Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? she says.

What way? says Roger.

That way about time, says Elaine.

Oh, says Roger. Yes.

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

Thank you, Roger, she says.

Thank you, says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed. A conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures its better if he doesnt think about it. (This is also Rogers policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaines, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?

Q: Whats the difference between a bra-less woman and a sewing machine?

A: The sewing machine has only one bobbin.

    Stupid people should have to wear signsthat just say, "Im Stupid." That way you wouldnt rely on them, would you? Youwouldnt ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didntsee your sign."

    Its like before my wife and I moved.Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comesover and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once ortwice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Heres your sign."

    A couple of months ago I went fishingwith a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol stringerof bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, yall catch all them fish?""Nope — talked em into giving up. Heres your sign."

    I was watching one of those animal showson the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And theres onlyone way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… Theywant you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they biteyou." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I dont wanna lose it."

    Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled mytruck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks atmy truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldnt resist.Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.Heres your sign."

    We were trying to sell our car about ayear ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. Weget back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe,then says, "Darn thats hot!" See? If hed been wearing his sign, I could havestopped him.

    I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in mydays of adventure. Wouldnt ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck gotstuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help andeventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basicquestioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until heasked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldnt help myself! I looked at him, lookedback at the rig and then back to him and said "No, Im delivering a bridge… heresyour sign."

A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.

Yo mamas so hairy…

– Yo mamas so hairy, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower. – Yo mamas so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her. – Yo mamas so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock. – Yo mamas so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on. – Yo mamas so hairy, she has afros on her nipples. – Yo mamas so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth. – Yo mamas so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker. – Yo mamas so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds. – Yo mamas so hairy, when she spreads her legs ,the first thing that comes to my mind is Were going to Bush Gardens.

Money, The Non-Renewable Resource

How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour

Why Men Dont Like Any Of Your Friends

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Trick question. Programmers dont do hardware. (same answer really as None. Its a hardware problem.)

Estaba un topito bien caliente en la selva cuando se escuentra a la jirafa, la detiene y le dice:

Jirafa, jirafa, ¿puedo coger contigo?

Y la jirafa contesta, No topito, estás muy chaparrito.

Desconsolado, el topito sigue caminando y se encuentra a la elefanta y le dice:

Elefanta, elefanta, ¿puedo coger contigo?

Y la elefanta le contesta, No topito, estás muy flaquito.

El topito iba bien jodido cuando se encuentra a la pantera y le dice:

Pantera, pantera, ¿puedo coger contigo?

Y la pantera le dice, No topito, estás muy ciego para mí.

Y el topito insiste e insiste, hasta que la pantera acepta. En eso esta el topito bien entrado en el acto y la pobre pantera no sentía ni madres, cuando de pronto un cazador desde la punta de un cerro le da un balazo a la pantera en la oreja y la pantera se levanta rugiendo y gritando.

Y todo emocionado el topito le dice:

¡Gózalo mi negra, gózalo!

There was a men who is lost in a forest during a storm. He came to a house and knocked on the door.

A farmer came out and asked, what the hell do you want?



The man asked, Could I spend a night here?



Sure, but you cant touch my daughter.



So the man was sleeping that night, when the daughter came in. And that night, they did it. The next night, they did it, too. The next night, they did it, again.



Until one night, the daughter said to the man, I am tired of doing it in your room.



So the man went to the daughters room and did it. The next night, they did it The next night, they did it, too The next night, they did it again.



They have done it in every single room in the house EXECPT the fathers room.



So one night they decided to go to the fathers room and do it. When they went in, the father has fallen deep into sleep.



The man asked, what the hell is that hairy thing in his bed?



The daughter said, its his hairy ass



So the man and the daughter were doing it in his room for 2 weeks and they loved it.



But unfortunatly, one day, the father came to the man and go, we need to talk.



What, I didnt have sex with your daughter!



I will tell you the truth, I dont care if you have sex with my daughter anymore, just dont use my hairy ass as a score board!