Old and New Jokes

Q: why did the blonde cross the road

A: to get a new brain

Told to me by my wife, and to her by a colleague.

Two men are talking at work Monday morning.

What did you do this weekend?

Dropped hooks into water.

Fishing, eh?

No, golfing.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 hes willing to bet anyone who says he cant. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, Whats the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside? The dog answers ROOF. The bartender says, Who are you kidding? Im not paying. The dogs owner says, How about double or nothing and Ill ask him something else. The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time. The dog answers with a muffled RUTH. With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says DiMaggio?.

You might be a redneck if…

You wont stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your dog cant watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesnt have curtains, but your truck does.

Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (dont even go there!) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

A man and woman were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, the wife was moved after seeing her husbands eyes fill with tears.

The wife took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. I never knew you were so sentimental. she whispered.



No . . . No . . . he said, choking back his tears, Thats not it at all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?



Yes, the wife replied. I remember it like yesterday.



Well, said the husband, Today I would have be a free man.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

92. Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.

The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.
The new improved model always appears on the market just after youve bought the old model.
The person who suggests spitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items
The chance of a sudden cloudburst is in direct proportion to the amount of suede yourre wearing.
The novice poker player will always take home the pot
You always get sick on the second day of your vacation and always recover the day before you return to work.
The odd little noise you ignored all night will turn out to be a major disaster.
The only things super stick will bond successfully are your fingers
When a traffic light gets stuck, you will get the red.
If you arent looking for something youve misplaced, then yourre filing something youll never be able to find.
One size fits all items will never fit you!
Your car insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.

I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perch on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles, Began to slip away. He sang of far off places, Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed, And gently lowered the window And crushed his freakin head!