Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
19
Jan
19
Jan
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third timewill cost you $180. Are there any questions?""How much for a season pass?"
19
Jan
- Your potted plants stay alive.
- Having sex in a twin size bed is absurd.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
- You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.
- Youre the one calling the police because those darn kids next door dont know how to turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You dont know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
- Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- I just cant drink the way I used to replaces Im never going to drink that much again.
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You dont drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesnt apply to you.
19
Jan
(Told over the holidays by my Lutheran mother-in-law.)
A recently demised fellow was being given a tour of Heaven. St. Peter
explained that Heaven not only had room enough for everybody, there were
rooms for everybody.
He opened the first door, explaining, This is the Catholic room, and
inside the new arrival could see a large group of people kneeling and
saying Hail Mary.
The next room was a noisy one–shouts of Amen! and Hallelujah!
could be heard through the door. The Baptist room, explained Peter.
The third room was silent, filled with contemplative souls.
Presbyterians, Peter said.
When they came to the fourth room, Peter stopped the newcomer. Shh!
he said. Be very quiet. These are the Lutherans, and they dont think
anybody else is here.
19
Jan
You might be a redneck if you pee in the pool… off the highdive!
18
Jan
Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. Dancing: Why Men Dont Like To
20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes Youve Worn Before
18
Jan
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
18
Jan
If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The pen is mightier than the sword — if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Call me insane one more time and Ill eat your other eye!
I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18
Jan
Our secretary heard this during a talent show at a retirement village.
A retirement village decided to hold a Singles Dance, at which this
very sweet 90-year-old gentleman met a very sweet 90-year-old lady,
and they danced and talked and laughed, and just hit it off great.
They continued to see each other for a while and enjoyed each other
so much, and danced so well together, etc., that they decided to
get married.
On their wedding night, they went to bed and he reached over and took her
hand and squeezed it, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to
sleep.
On the second night, when they went to bed, he reached over and
squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his hand back, and they went to sleep.
On the third night, he reached over and took her hand, and she said, Not
tonight, honey, I have a headache.
18
Jan
There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.
They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be poo head destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the not head one at a time.
First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 1-2-3 but before they could shoot she yelled TORNADO and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.
Then the redneck stepped up and they aimed and yelled 1-2-3.. but before they could shoot she screeched FLOOD and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her.
They didnt like people yelling fake incidents. Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled 1-2-3 and the blonde yelled FIRE!