A Classic
———–
rtfm.mit.edu
Cereals – normal, at first.
——-
life.ai.mit.edu
trix.ai.mit.edu
alpha-bits.ai.mit.edu
beet-chex.ai.mit.edu
masticated-neo-bohemian-cthuloid.mit.edu
chewy-chomp.mit.edu
General Abuse
————-
my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu
no-sir-i-did-not-see-you-playing-with-your-dolls-again.ai.mit.edu
long-hostname-carefully-selected-to-expose-fixed-length-buffers.mit.edu
People and Attitudes
——————–
blithering-intellectual.mit.edu
chick-magnet.mit.edu
convivial-niceguy.mit.edu
dimple-boy.mit.edu
fearless-leader.mit.edu
boyish-good-looks.mit.edu
disarming-smile.mit.edu
that-blonde-chick.mit.edu
uma-thurman.mit.edu
Drugs
—–
big-fat-bag-of-crack.mit.edu
crack-baby.mit.edu
crack-whore.mit.edu
ten-cent-crack-whore.mit.edu
Sex
—
den-of-iniquity.mit.edu
big-pimpin.mit.edu
big-screw.mit.edu
dog-lover.mit.edu (of course, this may not really be sex-related…)
puppy-lover.mit.edu (same)
fried-foreskin.mit.edu
fuck-the-skull-of-jesus.mit.edu
margaret-thatcher-naked-on-a-cold-day.mit.edu
moaning-lisa.mit.edu
pearl-necklace.mit.edu (also somewhat subjective)
porn-star.mit.edu
spankasaurus-rex.mit.edu
squirting-sphincter.mit.edu
turgid-pole.mit.edu
x-rated.mit.edu
Commentary
———-
emacs-makes-a-computer-slow.mit.edu (notably not in gnu.ai.mit.edu domain)
existence-is-meaningless.mit.edu
failure-is-unacceptable.mit.edu
glad-i-am-not-a-dec.mit.edu
i-am-not-the-moose.mit.edu
i-cant-think-of-a-new-hostname.mit.edu
i-could-not-think-of-a-hostname.mit.edu
i-dont-know.mit.edu
i-goddess.mit.edu
i-m-so-tired.mit.edu
i-see-everything-twice.mit.edu
i-will-fear-no-evil.mit.edu
ignorance-is-strength.mit.edu
incite-sedition.mit.edu
its-a-feature.mit.edu
lost-cause.mit.edu
macs-suck.mit.edu
my-hovercraft-is-full-of-eels.mit.edu
my-dog-ate-it.mit.edu
not-a-guppy.mit.edu
not-a-mac.mit.edu
not-a-minihub.mit.edu
not-a-pretty-computer.mit.edu
not-a-printer.mit.edu
not-a-supported-platform.mit.edu
not-a-typewriter.mit.edu
not-an-sgi.mit.edu
not-what-you-think.mit.edu
pepsi-sux.mit.edu
piece-of-shit.mit.edu
point-and-drool.mit.edu
screw-loose.mit.edu
shit-happens.mit.edu
the-world-is-mine.mit.edu
thing-that-should-not-be.mit.edu
think-different.mit.edu
this-is-a-test.mit.edu
this-machine-has-no-neck.mit.edu
turning-coffee-into-theorems.mit.edu
yes-dear.mit.edu
yes-i-am.mit.edu
Odd Other Things
—————-
shit-box.mit.edu
sticky-scrot.mit.edu
seal-clubbing.mit.edu
really-bad-pun.mit.edu
right-bundle-branch.mit.edu
purry-fuzzball.mit.edu
nibbled-to-death-by-ducks.mit.edu
oh-no-not-again.mit.edu
bilge-pump.mit.edu
because-i-was-inverted.mit.edu
church-of-briantology.mit.edu
full-contact-origami.mit.edu
small-dogs.mit.edu
small-gods.mit.edu
something-intelligent.mit.edu
the-brown-ring-of-quality.mit.edu
Technical
———
bovine-spongiform-encephalopathy.mit.edu
tep-soda-machine.mit.edu
turing-machine.mit.edu
SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom northside condo. $800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.
SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-Im-4you.
SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Dont bother to write, I already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, communing with Galian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. ISO compatible F.
SM: Seeking an adventurous SF interested in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear and albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.
SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet woman of similar interests; must be ambidextrous.
DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, police lineups and locking your friends in closets, we already have three things in common! Lets get together.
DM: Physician, 35 – Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays.
DWM: Compulsive Liar – Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on the French Riviera. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.
SWM: 32, my lifes work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown on The X-Files. ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot.
…probably one of the best….
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the Malibu Barbie. It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
its modern origin:
The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams dont have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundations
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didnt really sound
like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nations capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Un dÃa Tarzán sufre un accidente en donde pierde una pierna, un brazo y aquella sagrada parte.
Chita lo lleva de rama en rama de emergencia, al Hospital de la Selva. Bueno, el caso es que le trasplantan una pata de caballo, un brazo de gorila y una trompa de elefante.
Al cabo de una semana le preguntan a Tarzán:
Tarzán, ¿cómo te ha ido con tu pierna?
Déjame decirte, que con esta pata corro como un caballo.
¿Y con tu brazo?
¡Mira, muchacho, yo rompo montañas con él!, responde.
Y… ¿con aquello?
Bueno, ahà si que me ha ido mal.
¿Por qué?
¡Oh! este pendejo se la pasa cogiendo hierbas y metiéndomelas por el culo.
Tres cazadores habÃan seguido por mucho tiempo la pista de un animal muy raro que tenÃa un piel hermosa y muy cara.
Finalmente lograron obtener información importante sobre este animal. Descubrieron que sólo salÃa de su escondite una vez cada 10 años, de noche, y que se asustaba muy fácilmente.
Cuando llegaron al lugar donde supuestamente iba a salir el animal hicieron el trato de que pasara lo que pasara no iban a gritar ni hacer ruido. Asà que se escondieron los 3, cada uno por su lado. Después de varias horas de espera oyeron un ruido, y vieron al extraño animal, y esperaron el momento ideal para disparar.
Justo cuando lo tenÃan en la mira, uno de ellos sale corriendo y gritando. El animal por supuesto se escondió, y van los otros dos cazadores donde estaba el asustado, lo encuentran sudando y con la respiración agitada y le preguntan que habÃa pasado, y el les responde:
Pues estaba yo agachado y que me sale un león.
¿Y saliste corriendo y gritaste?
No, me acordé de nuestro trato y me aguanté y no me movÃ, pero después que me sale una serpiente venenosa.
Y entonces por eso saliste corriendo ¿no?
No, también me aguanté, pero después de la sepiente llegaron dos ardillas y se me metieron al pantalón.
¿y eso te asustó?
No, me asusté cuando las oÃ, ¡Nos las comemos aquà o nos las llevamos a la casa!
Llega un hombre con una media puesta en la cabeza a un banco de de semen, saca una pistola y dice:
¡Quietos todos, esto es un asalto!
Y la encargada le dice:
¡Pero si esto es un banco de semen!
Bueno, mmmm.., entonces saque todo el semen que tenga y echelo en ese bote.
Cuando la encargada termina de hacerlo, el hombre le dice:
¡Bébetelo todo!
Pero, ¿cómo me lo voy a beber todo?
Que se lo beba o la pego un tiro.
Pero…
¡Que se lo beba he dicho!
Vale vale, no se ponga nervioso.
Después de que la mujer ha terminado de bebérselo el hombre se quita la media de la cabeza y le dice:
Ves, MarÃa, como cuando quieres te lo bebes.
Manolo era estudiante de agricultura y empezó a trabajar como aprendiz de un viejo granjero. El primer dÃa señaló un campo donde el grano maduraba al sol y le dijo al granjero:
Sus técnicas son inútiles. Yo no creo que ni un saco de maÃz saque de ese terreno.
Yo tampoco lo creo, repuso el granjero, ¡eso es centeno, idiota!
A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked THE BOOK and didnt find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldnt find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.
About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.
Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? God queried.
Hell yes, I remember! Said the devil.
Well, Saint Peter missed that mans name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If theyre on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS. God exclaimed!
Ill be damned if your going to get that engineer back. Hes put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS! said the devil.
Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you dont send that engineer back right away I believe Ill have to sue you!!! shouted God!!
And just where do you think youll get an attorney? replied the devil!!!!!
The Top 5 Men in a Womans life are:
1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks where do you want it, front or back?
A Decorator says how do you like it now that it’s up?
A Bank manager says don’t take it out you’ll lose interest!
The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, Ive sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.
The professor said Ill bet you cant. Just to prove it, well trade clothes in the hotel, and Ill sit in the back.
The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the drivers presentation.
The driver said, I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.