Old and New Jokes

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralphs condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

How long will Ralph be on crutches? the wife asked anxiously.

Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor.

Well, said the wife coldly, You ARE planning to lengthen Ralphs legs, arent you ?

1HIT1DER – Ricky Martin
NU CLEVGE – Britney Spears
20K LAID – Wilt Chamberlain
JAILBTCH – Robert Downey, Jr.
HAD MILK – Pamela Anderson Lee
OUTOFST8 – Hillary Rodham Clinton
C MY BRA – Brandi Chastain
IM STR8 – Tom Cruise
K8ODIDIT – O.J. Simpson
PEN IS – John Bobbitt
VOAT4ME – Dan Quayle

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

ME: Is this AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: Is this AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: The phone company.

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We arent selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, thats 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, thats right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?

AT&T: Thats right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! Thats amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: Thats quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, its amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said youd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. Im just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didnt mean wed be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that youll give me 10 cents a minute, that Ill give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? Ive read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Sir, I dont think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?

ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This A T &T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to

get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, Ill transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering – do you have that Friends and Family

thing because Im an only child and Id really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: click……..

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how its working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husbands Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, shes running around thrilled and happy. Oh, my God. I cant believe how well that worked, she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, shes even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, Little boy, is your mother home?

No, shes…whos this? the little boy asks. Im a friend of your mothers and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how its going?

That was you?! the little boy says. Let me tell you — Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my ass hurts and Dads in the attic going, Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.

There are two Mexicans talking. One is a new resident of the town.

The first Mexican says to the other, Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back.

The other Mexican replies, I dont need to worry, because I know
Mexican Judo.

The first Mexican asks, Whats Mexican Judo?

The second says, Ju dont know if I have a gun; Ju dont know if I have a knife…

How do you define a Jewish delemma?

Free ham.

(Disclaimer–Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head *Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to “spice up” your takeout * *Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself. *When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say “I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop.”*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book. *Ask if his bullet-proof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy-ride. *When he ask you for your licence say, “Oh sure officer, I could reach it if youd hold my beer.” *Explain speeding with, “See officer, I was driving along when I droped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal.”*Lie on the ground and aks him to draw your outline in chalk. *Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate. *Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that “with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents.” *Pay all ticket fines with pennies. *Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, “Ive got one too!” *Say to him, “Dont chek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scouts honor.” *When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin Donuts and you know hell understand.*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that. *Ask him what he is doing out so late.*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers *Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.*Throw the cops nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch. *Tell him that the wee little leprechans made you do it. *Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it,then unlocking it when he looks away.Repeat this several times.*Paint flames on the side of his squad car. *Paint flames on the side of his uniform.*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter “If I dont see you I cant get a ticket.”*Throw cans of Spam at him.*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood. *Say to him “Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!” *Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbins law to take effect… *Tell him he shouldve been on a pony so you couldve outran him.* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly. * When he ask you to walk the straight line, “Riverdance” instead. * When he ask you to say your alphabet backwords count backwards from ten instead.*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.*Keep his pen. *If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept. *Say “Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands dont hurt yet.”*Instead of pleading the fifth admendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick. Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks;
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)
This project is so important, we cant let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! Weve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and Ill let you know when its time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)
My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldnt edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, That would be better for me.
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!
(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our companys training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the pedagogical approach used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR directors office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldnt stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word pedagogical circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.