In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it aint.
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.
Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and cant believe this has happened.
She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:
How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!!
I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault!!! How could you??? What have you got to say???
There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: CAN YOU HEAR ME???
Bills quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper…Who is this???
Did you hear about the constipated accountant who tried to work it out with a pencil?
Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up
I showed up early and decided I just didnt feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.
My dog died.
My neighbors bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
I figured that probably wasnt your real picture, so I didnt bother coming over.
I overslept.
I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.
I know I said Id be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I cant date you any more, but Id still like us to be friends.
My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.
One night, the Potato family – Mother Potato and her three daughters – sat down to dinner. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. Mother Potato? she said. I have an announcement to make.
And what might that be? said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes.
Well, replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, Im getting married!
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, Married! Thats wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?
Im marrying a Russet!
A Russet! replied Mother Potato with pride. Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!
As the family shared in the eldest daughters joy, the middle daughter spoke up. Mother, I too, have anannouncement.
And what might that be? asked Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, I, too, am getting married!
You, too!Mother Potato said with joy. Thats wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?
Im marrying an Idaho, beamed the middle daughter.
An Idaho! said Mother Potato with joy. Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. Mother? Mother Potato?
Umm, I, too, have anannouncement to make.
Yes? said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
Well, began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,I hope this doesnt come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!
Really? said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter, dear?
Im marrying Dan Rather!
Dan Rather?!
Mother Potato scowled suddenly. But hes just a common tater!
Cuenta una joven que, en una noche borrascosa, en medio de una travesÃa en el PacÃfico, estaba ella en su camarote desvistiéndose para acostarse, cuando le sobrevino un terrible mareo. Temiendo lo peor, salió al pasillo y corrió a toda prisa en busca del sanitario cuando, de improviso, se tropezó con un señor de edad en el mismo estado lastimoso que ella. Horrorizada, dio un grito, pues sólo entonces comprendió que sin darse cuenta, se habÃa salido del camarote tal como Dios la trajo al mundo.
No se preocupe usted por mÃ, señorita. ¡De ésta no saldré con vida para contar lo que he visto!, le dijo el caballero, abriendo los ojos en demasÃa y llevándose las manos al corazón.
Resulta que eran dos maricas que eran pareja, Doroteo (Dory) y Baudelio (Baudi), y llega corriendo Dory emocionado(a) con Baudy:
¡Baudy, Baudy! ¡No me lo vas a creer! ¿adivina que me pasó?
Y Baudy sorprendido le responde:
¿Qué?
Pues… ¡que ya me bajooo!
Noooooo, no lo puedo creer…
Siiiiiiiiii, fÃjate y verás
Baudy se asoma a verle la entrepierna y le ve un sangrero y pega un gritote de emoción:
¡Sà es cierto, sà es cierto! No seas mala, pasate la receta, ¿qué te hiciste?
Pues nomás me tomé un té de hojas.
¿Pero hojas de qué? ¿de yerba buena? ¿de cilantro? ¿de naranjo? ¿de queeeee?
¡Pues de hojas de rasurar!
Two blondes are on a bus and one of them looks out the window and sees two other blondes in the middle of a feild rowing a boat. She turns to the other blonde and says Its blondes like that who give us blondes a bad name. and she replied yeah and if i could swim ide kill her!
Put a Mac in front of everything you say. Example: Excuse me, Mac-sir but could I get some Mac-salt with my
Mac-fries.(MacCOUGH MacCOUGH) And could you give me Mac-directions to the Mac-grocerie Mac-store? Mac-Thanks.When going thru the drive thru, change your order every time they repeat it.Order a burger with no bun but extra ketchup.Bring in a dead mouse, put it in your drink and sue.Ask your server to stop intentionly insulting your race.Order a Whopper.Park just the right amount of space away from the drive thru window so that they cant reach you.When ordering at the drive thru, turn up the radio and open the door so that it goes..DING..DING..DING.Speak in an exaggerated staticy voice like the one your hearing thru the drive thru speaker and then when you pull up speak like that again.Step in dog crud before you come in.Tell them that you are the state inspector and try to get into the kitchen.
Q. Why dont polish women use vibrators?
A. It chips their teeth.