Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A: Because people are dying to get in.
Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.
Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?
Q: Whats a ghosts favorite breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties with booberries.
Q: Whats soft, moldy and flies?
A: A spoiled bat.
Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
A: Youre under a vest!
Q: What happened to the monster that took the five oclock train home?
A: He had to give it back.
Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.
Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A: A dead ringer.
Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
A: Id like to get to gnaw you.
Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
A: Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares.
Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights.
Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.
Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch.
Q: Where can you see a real ugly monster?
A: In the mirror.
Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When youre a mouse. Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose? A: The locomotive told him to Choo, choo.
Q: Whats the best place for a mirror?
A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror.
Q: Why do witches think theyre funny?
A: Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape.
Q: What would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand witch.
Q: Who has a broom and flies?
A: A jelly-covered janitor.
Q: What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
A: Five after one.
Q: Why dont skeletons like parties?
A: They have no body to dance with.
Q: What did the bat say to the witchs hat?
A: You go on ahead. Ill hang around for a while.
Q: What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
A: Youd get a harewolf.
Q: What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
A: You hear the broom boom.
Q: What goes Oob, oob!?
A: A witch in reverse.
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell Boo!
Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.
Q: Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
Q: Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
A: It was his bat.
Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your boos and shocks on.
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See you n
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a snake?
When you run over a snake, you dont back up to make sure its dead.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Do employees of the Lipton Tea company take coffee breaks?
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isnt hard…
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
You dont have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
Coffee doesnt complain when you put whipped cream in it.
A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
You wont fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
You can always warm coffee up.
Coffee comes with endless refills.
Coffee is cheaper.
You wont get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
Coffee never runs out.
Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
You can smoke while drinking coffee.
You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
Coffee smells and tastes good.
You dont have to put vinegar in your coffee.
If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
You can always get fresh coffee.
You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and itll be hot when you get back.
They sell coffee at police stations.
You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
Coffee goes down easier.
If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesnt put on weight.
No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
A big cup or small cup? It doesnt matter.
Your coffee doesnt talk to you.
Coffee smells good in the morning.
Coffee is good when its cold too.
Coffee stains are easier to remove.
Coffee doesnt care when you dunk things in it.
Coffee doesnt care what kind of mood youre in.
Coffee doesnt shed.
Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
You cant get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
Coffee doesnt mind being ground.
No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
Coffee doesnt have a time of the month… its good all the time.
When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
When you have a coffee, you dont end up with a pube in the back of your
throat.
Coffee doesnt take up half your bed.
Coffee doesnt mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
Instant coffee!
You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
Your coffee wont be jealous of a larger cup.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress
(reading her name tag)?
A: Debbie. . . thats cute. What did you name the other one?
A: Because it said concentrate.
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didnt perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldnt ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each roosters neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncles favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didnt ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldnt ring. Hed sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.