Old and New Jokes

an english man an irish man and a jewish man decide they want to become police men so the english man goes into the police station and says i want to be a copper, so the police man says ok as long as you can say who killed jesus and the english man says pontious pilate. the copper says right ur in. the irish man does the same. thenthe jewish man goes in and says i want to be a copper, so the police man says right who killed jesus and the jewish man says i dont know, so the police man says go away and find out and then come back. the jewish man then goes to see the english man n the irish man and says i must be good me they have put me on a murder case.

Seen at a local auto mechanics shop:

SHOP RATES

Basic labor rate $40 / hour
If you wait . . . $60 / hour
If you watch . . $80 / hour
If you help . . .$100 / hour
If you laugh . .$140 / hour

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition, he said. At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

On an airplane trip, I sat next to a woman and her five-year-old grandson. When I mentioned that I was a teacher, she proceeded to ask him to count backward. He rattled off 20, 19, 18, 17…

That was wonderful, I said. Did you learn that in school?

No, he answered. From the microwave.

Her boyfriend charged her with practicing license without a medicine.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. You´re running around with other women, she told her mate.

Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable, Adam responded. You know you´re the only woman on earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.

What do you think you´re doing? Adam demanded.

Counting your ribs, said Eve.

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captains next announcement.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane

After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captains request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an annoucement: Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA!

Yo mamas so fat that when she went swimming in the ocean the whales started singing we are family.

Q: Whats the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, Hi stranger, my name is Mike. Ill give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.

The man says, Thanks…Mikes Place?

Nope.

Mikes Tavern?

No,

Mikes Pub?

No, but heres a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gets it. The joints name is Sallys Leggs!

Thats a good one. the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there.

He responds, Im just waiting for Sallys Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!