Old and New Jokes

Knock!Knock!

Whose there?



Maddam!



Maddam who?



Maddam foot stuck in your door!

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Many of us have been there. Something just doesnt click with the new boss. Or maybe were just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, weve got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in the job world.

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk. You…

   A) swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

   B) inform him that youre planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

   C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until youve finished the level.

2. Theres a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

   A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone whos been working with you.

   B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

   C) Barge into your bosss office and demand reassignment so that you, Wont have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing-stock.

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

   A) Stay home and watch I Love Lucy reruns.

   B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

   C) Go over to your bosss house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

   A) Listen politely, and then apologize.

   B) Blame someone else.

   C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which youve written the word union.

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…

   A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

   B) Key it … then tell the CEOs secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

   C) Key it … then proudly tell the CEOs secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kids fifth birthday party, what do you do?

   A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

   B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-workers into doing it while pretending to be you.

   C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. Your boss gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react?

   A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the bosss daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.

   B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up.

   C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.

8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean. You…

   A) clean the office while he supervises.

   B) tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

   C) clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss face.

— SCORING —

Mostly As: You have nothing to worry about. Theyll never fire you because youre a doormat.

Mostly Bs: Youre not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, youll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! Youre a real jerk.

Mostly Cs: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but hes terrified of what you might do.

women and children

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recessions really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street."Look," he said, "I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?""A freakin quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve never paid for a haircut.

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!

You think proletariat is a type of cheese.
Youre a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
Youve ever uttered the phrase, Why dont we just bomb the sons of bitches.
Youve ever said, I cant wait to get into business school.
You answer to The Man.
You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of Commies in my Neighborhood.
You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of sexual deviance.
You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.
You spend free time reading The Bell Curve.
Youve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Uta!
Uta who?
Uta sight, uta mind!