Old and New Jokes

At the card shop:

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, No. A clerk came over and asked, May I help you?

I dont know, said the woman. Do you have any Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, Hey! Cut it out, all right!



The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, I said stop it!



The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, What is it with you, anyway?



The rear tiger replies, Well, I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.



The farmer turned to the husband and said, You know, youre the tenth car Ive helped out of the mud today.



The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,When do you have time to plough your land? At night?



No, the young farmer replied seriously, Night is when I put the water in the hole.

A your moma is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and shell



rack your balls.

Your momma is so ugly . . .

When she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.

Bush approved of a new method of testing ready-to-eat meat for the potentially lethal Listeria bacteria found in factories. According to the legislation, ready-to-eat meat will have to pass standardized tests as part of Bushs leave no hot dog behind, campaign.

All talk and no action.

You Ought to be in Pictures: More than 50 people responded to an
invitation to a casting call for a Robert DeNiro movie being shot in
Boston. The only problem was, the invitations were sent by police. To
people with outstanding arrest warrants. One woman complained she
took a day off from work to meet DeNiro. She was led away in
handcuffs instead. Its so nice to scam people who are scammers,
one detective said. The casting call, sent to 3,800 fugitives,
offered more than $200 for two hours of work as extras, plus the
chance of becoming famous. (UPI)

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?

Yes, the golfer responded.

Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?

Yes, I did. How did you know? he asked.

Well, said the policeman very seriously, your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a drivers windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldnt make it to the fire and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, I think Ill close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently
put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation
went something like this:

Judge: Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?
Man: Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, Ill explain what
happened.

Judge: Proceed.
Man: I got lost in the woods. I hadnt had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.

Judge: The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didnt intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.
But if you dont mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste
like?

Man: Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a
Spotted Owl.