A man in a nursing home takes up with one of the female patients and works out a deal with her where he gets in bed with her each night and she holds his penis as they fall asleep. After several weeks of this, he dumps her for a new partner.
The scorned woman questions him, Whats she got that I havent got?
The man replies, Parkinsons.
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease, and scream YES! when it finishes.
17. DISK FIGHT!!!
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If youre sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight whenever there is processing time required.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, the bad news is that now that weve caught you, were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.
The Frenchman says, I take ze sword. the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,Vive la France! and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, a pistol for me, please. The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, God save the queen! and pulls the trigger.
The New Yorker says, gimme the fawkin fork. the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Theres blood gushing out all over, its horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, my God almighty, what are you doing?
The New Yorker says, so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, shed tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
Who are these from ? she asked the nurse, Theyre very nice but Im a bit confused as to why Ive received them.
Well said the nurse, The first is from the surgeon – the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.
Ahhh, thats really nice said Lucy.
The second is from your husband – hes delighted the operation was such a success that he cant wait to get you home. Apparently itll be the first time hes touched the sides for years and hes very excited!
Brilliant! said Lucy. And the third?
Thats from Eric in the burns unit said the nurse.
He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!
Q: How do you make a blondes eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
How do you know when an [ethnic] girl has her period?
One of her socks is missing.
Ted and John wanted to get away from the countryside and see the world. One
day Ted said to his brother You know, we could do really well setting up
our bungee-jumping service in Mexico.
John thought this was a great idea, so the two pooled their money and
bought all the equipment they needed.
They traveled to Mexico and began to set up a tower near the center of the
town for good publicity. As they began building the tower, a crowd
assembled nearby. Slowly more and more people gathered to watch them work.
They were excited at having such a big audience that Ted decided to jump
and show his prospective clients all about bungee jumping.
He bounced at the end of the cord. When he came back up, John noticed that
he had a few cuts and scratches. As he flew by, John asked if the cord was
too long. Unfortunately, he wasnt able to catch him. So Ted fell again,
bounced and came back up.
This time Ted was seriously bruised and bleeding. Again, John just missed
catching him and asked if the cord was too long.
Ted fell a third time. This time, when he bounced back, he was a complete
mess with a couple of broken bones and was almost unconscious.
Luckily, John finally caught his brother and said What happened? Was the
cord too long?
Ted said, No, the cord was fine, but what in the world is a piñata?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
A young Father has finally had enough of his sons wetting his pants, and takes him aside.
Son, said the Father, You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!
The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the proper method.
Okay, son, this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!
The Father watches his son every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the son going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his son, and decides to peek at him while he is doing his thing to see how well his instructions are being followed.
The next time the son heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his son: Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five…
Guaranteed spot on Geraldo
In family Christmas card photo, youll always be at the top of the pyramid
Two words: engagement tattoo
You have a say in who the three of you will marry next
Theyre really rich
On wedding night, you get to operate the winch
Finally satisfy your family whos been nagging you to settle down with some nice man and woman
Your very own five-inch section of the bed
When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show
No leftover wedding cake