Old and New Jokes

An old man went to the doctor. He said, Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to.. The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, Can I ask you how old you are, sir?. Im 87., said the old man. 87!, exclaimed the doctor, How old is your wife?. Shes 92., was the reply. The doctor was astonished by this, and said, So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you dont get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?. That is correct. said the old man, What can you do to help me?. Well, said the doctor, when did you first notice this problem?.

The old man looked thoughtful, I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning.

Yo Mama is so fat, when she sits on a quarter she squeezes a booger out of George Washingtons nose.

Yo mammas so fat, she tripped on 4th Avenue and landed on 12th.

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?" Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their hands, except for one girl, Rosie. The teacher asked, "Who do you like, little girl?" Rosie replied, "Im a Yankees fan and I hate the Mets."The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so she was too. The teacher said to the class, "So if Rosies parents were idiots, what would that make her?" Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. Owch! the chinese man says. What was that for? That was for Pearl Harbor, the Jewish man says. But Im Chinese! Chinese, Japanese, whats the difference? And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. Ouch! the Jewish man says. What was that for? That was for the Titanic, the chinese man says. But that was an iceberg! Ice berg, Goldberg, whats the difference?

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.

She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin a bad time. Im agonna go over there and help.

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, Kin ya swaller?

Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, Kin ya breathe?

Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, Ya know, its sure amazin how that hind-lick maneuver always works.

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, Brrr!.

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, Listen, if you ever do that again Ill cut yer balls off!

The gremlin says, Aint got none! Well, Ill cut off yer prick! Aint got one of them, neither. says the gremlin.

Well, how do ya pee?

The gremlin smiled and said, Brrr!

A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together — hed been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer:

Should he tell his partner?

Why its better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks were gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WERE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We dont have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. Well never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

The sheriff of a small town was also the towns veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, Is your husband there?

Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet? the wife asked.

Both! was the reply. We cant get our dogs mouth open, and theres a burglar in it.

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.

After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. Your husband is very sick, the doctor said. Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.

First, fix him three healthy meals a day.

Next, give him a stress-free environment and dont complain about anything.

Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day.

The doctor left and the woman returned to her husbands room.

What did the doctor say? he asked.

Im sorry, mdear, she said, but he said youre not going to make it.