Old and New Jokes

Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervious I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the
monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to
his office after mass he found the following note on his door.

Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
dont say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the Big T]

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not
say, Eat me.

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the
Cherry.

The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God

Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

News Flash: Microsoft acquires Electrolux, makes extensive design
revisions. Finally releases a product that doesnt suck.

Surf Nebraska!

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.

So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,Wheres my heart located?

On a woman, its usually located under her left breast, the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldnt get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbors garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

Its really quite simple, the old man explained. Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

So, he asked, any luck with your tomatoes?

No, she replied excitedly, but you should see the size of my cucumbers!

Person 1: Knock,Knock
Person 2: Whos there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!

She said she didnt believe him, so she called the bar.

Hello, she said, I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?

To which she heard the bartender say, Hey, Clarence, – I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!

An inept golfer once drove his tee shot onto an anthill. After many swings, he demolished the anthill but still had not hit the ball.

At this point, one of the two ants still alive turned to the other and said, If we are going to stay alive, we had better get on the ball!