Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One hundred: one to hold the lightbulb, the other 99 to rotate the house.
20
Dec
19
Dec
Q: Why does Santas sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
19
Dec
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb isnt bright enough.
19
Dec
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.
Welcome! he says. Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.
Okay, says the blonde.
Heres your question: name two days of the week
that begin with the letter T.
Thats easy. Today and tomorrow!
Well, thats not the answer I was thinking of, but Ill give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?
Thats easy. Twelve!
Twelve?
January second, February second, March second —
Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well.
Well, Okay. Ill give you one more chance. Whats Gods name?
Thats easy. Ollie !
Ollie ?
You know — Our Father, who art in heaven, Ollie be thy name…
19
Dec
Una joven y atractiva actriz de cine le comenta a una amiga:
En mi próxima pelÃcula voy a aparecer totalmente desnuda…
Hace una pausa y luego, echando chispas por los ojos y con voz enfurecida, agrega:
¡Es que quiero demostrarles a esos crÃticos patanes que no sólo soy una cara bonita!
19
Dec
26 razones para mantenerse soltero y salir corriendo a comprar un perro.
1.- Tu perro no llora.
2.- Tu perro adora que tus amigos te visiten.
3.- A tu perro no le molesta que uses su champú.
4.- Tu perro piensa que cantas bien.
5.- Entre más tarde llegues, tu perro se alegra más de verte.
6.- Tu perro te perdona si juegas con otros perros.
7.- Tu perro no se da cuenta si le dices el nombre de otro perro.
8.- Los perros piensan que los eructos son divertidos.
9.- Todo el mundo puede tener un perro bonito.
10.- Si tu perro es hermoso, los otros perros no lo odian.
11.- Los perros no van de compras.
12.- Tu perro adora que dejes cosas tiradas.
13.- El carácter de tu perro es igual todo el mes.
14.- Tu perro nunca necesita examinar la relación.
15.- Los padres de tu perro nunca te visitan.
16.- Tu perro entiende que los instintos son mejores que preguntar las direcciones.
17.- Los perros no odian su cuerpo.
18.- Los perros no critican.
19.- Los perros no usan tu ropa.
20.- Es legal mantener encadenado a un perro.
21.- Los perros nunca esperan regalos.
22.- Los perros nunca necesitan un masaje de pies.
23.- Tu perro te encuentra divertido cuando estás ebrio.
24.- Los perros no hablan.
25.- Los perros no son maliciosos.
26.- Los perros rara vez viven más que tú.
19
Dec
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Arnie!
Arnie who!
Arnie having fun?
19
Dec
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .
19
Dec
Some years ago when Bill Clinton was still President, he gave George W. Bush a tour of the White House. While there, George was amazed to find that Bill Clinton had his very own solid gold urinal! Maybe when Im President, I can have a gold urinal too, he thought to himself. He went back and told his wife Laura all about it. The next day, Laura Bush also visited the White House and had lunch with Hillary Clinton. During their talk, Laura mentioned the beautiful gold urinal her husband had seen in the Clintons bathroom… but Hillary said nothing. That night when she went to bed, she told Bill: I found out who peed in your saxophone.
19
Dec
Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.