Old and New Jokes

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor, he said, Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.

Well see, the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

Doctor, what are you doing?!? he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied, Oh, its you! Im only taking your wifes temperature!

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. Well, doc, he said, when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she cant sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dogs testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:

Boy, dont remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).

Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George  Bush is elected president.  

And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.

For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen refugeeas they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.

You will help, wont you? It costs so little but it means so much.

Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

Do you believe in life after death?, the boss asked one of his employees.

Yes, Sir, the employee replied.
Well, then, that makes everything just fine.

The boss went on,
After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral,
she stopped in to see you.

What do you want to be when you grow up little Johnny?

A doctor?

And why is that?

Because its the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill.

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring thats the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?

Joe says, Yes I did.



Well, says the police officer, it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And its all because you sliced the ball.



Oh my goodness, says Joe, is there anything I can do?



Yes there is, the cop says… Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.

Avoid models that stall during use.



Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.



Avoid completely blocking the air intake.



Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.



Keep locked in the garage when not in use.



Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.



Check for pulling attachments.



Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.



If necessary, fit an alarm.



See if the coil needs replacing.



Take it for a good thrash around



Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?



Watch out for nasty emissions.



Keep all leather accessories in order.



If necessary, fit a silencer.



Or use the choke and throttle properly.



For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.



Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.



Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.



NEVER let your friends have a go.



Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.



Avoid taking it to the pub if youre drinking.



Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it and fall asleep.



It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your stick it your hand.



With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting your stick into its reverse position whilst in motion.



It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.



German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.



Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.



American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.



Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.



Swedish models are usually very versatile.



Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.



French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.



Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more room space than needed.



Stay well clear of people carriers.



Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they dont take kindly to stopping stop.



Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.



The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will have a smell you will never get rid of.



It is unwise to take your fathers/big brothers/mates out without permission.



Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.



It is NEVER advisable to own a wide load model.



Replace every year with a newer model.

Guys wife comes home from her physical checkup at the M.D.s, and her hubby says, Well, how did it go? She tells him, The doctor says Im in perfect shape! Husband says, Oh, yeah? How about that big fat ass? She says, Oh, we didnt talk about you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rita!
Rita who?
Rita novel!

How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three reports out of it, each of which will count as 10% of your final grade.