* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she cant get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection.
* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?2. Border Collie: Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I cant reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: Ill change it as soon as Ive led these people from the dark, check to make sure I havent missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Im sorry, but I dont see a light bulb? 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there .. 13. Greyhound: It isnt moving. Who cares? 14. Australian Shepherd: First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle … 15. Poodle: Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. The Cats Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage? ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA,
they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual,
those crooks deducted $95.00.
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – Doctor, I dont know what the problem is, but Ive been farting all the time. Its not really a problem socially because they dont make any noise and dont smell. I just cant stop farting all the time. In fact while Ive been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.
The doctor nods and gives her some pills. Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. What kind of medicine is this? Im still farting just as much? They still dont make any noise, but now they stink terribly!
The doctor nodded, Its alright, now that we have your sinus cleared up, well work on your hearing next!
Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive.
Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, Nope, I dont think Id like that kind of punishment. So they go on to the next room.
There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, hes lowered again. uh-uh! says Clinton. Thats not for me.
Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants are down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him. Clinton says OK, if I have to be punished forever, Ill go for that way.
Satan says, Fine. . . that will be your punishment for the next billion years. Monica! Your replacement is here!
Dos compadres estaban pescando muy tranquilamente en el rÃo; en eso, pasa una carroza fúnebre y uno de los amigos se quita su gorra y hace una cruz en su pecho.
Eso fue conmovedor, compadre, no sabÃa que una parte de usted era asÃ.
Bueno, compadre, qué esperaba, estuve 40 años casado con ella.
A blind man is seeking employment at a lumber yard as a salesmen.
The manager who is interviewing the man tells him that he is more than qualified for the position other than the fact that in order to sell the lumber he would have to see it to know the size and kind of wood he was selling.
No replied the blind man, I do not have to see it, all I have to do is smell it.He then asked the manager to test him on this by placing any size and type of lumber he wanted on his desk and without touching it he would identify it.
The manager agreed and placed a 8 Ft x 2in x 4 in piece of pine on his desk.
The blind man smelled it once and correctly indentified it as a 8 ft. x 2in x 4in piece of pine.
The manager then tested him with a 4ft x 4in x 4in piece of oak.
Immediately the blind man identified it as a 4ft x 4in x4in piece of oak.
Thinking he could trick the blind man, the manager got his secretary to strip and lay naked on the desk.
The blind man smelled her up and down, then up and down again. Scratching his head he said, You almost fooled me, but thats a shit house door off of a fishing boat.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
– A fridge
If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.