December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7
Debug Windows 2000 December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11
Lay Faberge egg.December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade Holiday Scents in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock. December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I dont want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Cant they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I dont want them to know it.
I heard the basic story and indicated commentary on a local radio news
program. Additional commentary is mine.
Reported on WCDR, Cedarville, Ohio, on 22 August 1996:
No, that isnt a new speed bump. Highway workers in an Ohio county
recently paved over a dead deer laying on the edge of the road.
When asked why they did it, the manager of their garage said that they
didnt see it. The mayor of a nearby town said that the deer had been
laying there for about three weeks.
The Director of the Ohio Highway Department said that it is not the
states policy to pave over carcasses in the road.
And then the reporters commentary:
Not the states policy? Does this mean this has happened before?
And my (imaginary) follow-up story:
The game warden for that area, when he learned of the incident, began an
investigation to see if the highway workers had engaged in poaching. When
he learned that the paving process involves petroleum products at high
temperature, he closed the investigation stating that clearly the deer
was fried, not poached.
And my commentary:
Will this incident cause the present law that restricts hunting from a
vehicle to be amended to permit hunting from paving equipment?
Insurance Form Statements…
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he
can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants
to join. He strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man
becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a
beautiful woman and the sight of her causes the old man to
become excited. The woman, noticing the mans erection due to
her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral
sex on him. The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the
office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays
his dues.
The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for
another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends
over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over
and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man. The
elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his
membership. But why, asks the person at the desk, you just
said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited.
Yes, replies the old man, but at my age I only get excited
once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day.
[Ed: Appears in July 90 Playboy]
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweethearts birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps. The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says Well I saw it too but I didnt think he would jump again
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, Press bell for night watchman.
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
Well, he snarled at the blonde, what do you want?
I just want to know why you cant ring the bell for yourself?
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
Did you near about the new Jewish car?
It stops on a dime.. and picks it up.