Old and New Jokes

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.

Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.

The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,Youre not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!

So, how did you break YOUR leg??

[Ed: There are many versions of this, making fun of office, school and
other hierarchies.]

The General: Faster than a speeding bullet,
More powerful than a locomotive,
Leaps over tall buildings with a single bound,
Walks on water, and
Talks with God

The Colonel: Just as fast as a speeding bullet,
More powerful than a switch engine,
Leaps over small buildings with a single bound,
Walks on water when its calm, and
Talks with God on special occasions

The Lt Col: Faster than a speeding BB,
Loses a tug-of-war with a switch engine,
Leaps over small buildings with a running start,
Swims well, and
Listens at a distance to the voice of God.

The Major: Can load a gun properly,
Plays with train sets,
Leaps over Quonset huts with a running start,
Can do the Dog Paddle, and
Sometimes pays attention to what the Lt. Col. says,

The Captain: Is not issued ammunition for fear of self-inflicted injury,
Recognizes a locomotive two out of three times,
Runs into buildings,
Can wade through water less than four feet deep, and
Pays no attention to what the Major says.

The Lieutenant: Wets himself with a water pistol,
Says Look at the Choo Choo,
Trips over steps when entering buildings,and
Doesnt even notice when the Captain says something.

The NCO: Catches bullets in his teeth and spits them out,
Kicks trains off the tracks,
Picks up buildings and walks underneath, and
Freezes water with a single glance,
He is GOD!

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasnt been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing We forgot the R, We forgot the R. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, Whats wrong, father?

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, The word is CELEBRATE

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they
came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his
business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then
took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless
person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another
homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless
person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached
into the Republicans pocket and gave the homeless person fifty
dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didnt have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

La muchacha llorando llega donde su papá. El señor todo angustiado le pregunta la razón de sus lágrimas.

¡Ay, papá, es que en el cine dijeron que cuando uno se muere se pone tieso.

Sí, hija, ¿y qué hay con eso?

Es que mi novio se está muriendo por partes.

Ive been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

Bakers Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. – Columnist Russell Baker

yo moma so fat she got into a monster truck and made it into a lowrider