Old and New Jokes

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, So what do you think of mad cow disease? The other replies, I dunno, Im a chicken.

A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks, I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.

His buddy asks, Oh? Why do you wonder about that?

To which he replies, Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!

TAOISMShit happens
HARE KRISHNAShit happens rama rama ding ding
HINDUISMThis shit happened before
ISLAMIf shit happens, it is the will of Allah
ZENWhat is the sound of shit happening?
BUDDHISMWhen shit happens, is it really shit?
CONFUCIANISMConfucius say, Shit happens
7th DAY ADVENTISMShit happens on Saturdays
PROTESTANTISMShit wont happen if I work hard
CATHOLICISMIf shit happens, I deserve it
JEHOVAHS WITNESSKnock, knock. Shit happens.
UNITARIANISMWhat is this shit?
MORMONISMShit happens again & again & again.
JUDAISMWhy does this shit always happen to me?
RASTAFARIANISMLets smoke this shit!

I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Two blondes are walking in the forest.

One looks down and says, Look, deer tracks.



The other blonde looks down and says, Those arent deer tracks, those are bear tracks.



Half an hour later they were still arguing, when the train hit them.

1) MARKETING



You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.





2) SALES



Laziest of all signs, often referred to as marketing without a degree. You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can concentrate on the big picture. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.





3) TECHNOLOGY



Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU dont understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.





4) ENGINEERING



One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest ergodynamic gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your carpal tunnel syndrome.





5) ACCOUNTING



The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.





6) HUMAN RESOURCES



Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.





7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT



Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Middle Managers as everyone in your social circle is a Middle Manager.





8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT



(See above – Same sign, different title)





9) CUSTOMER SERVICE



Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play Customer Service. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.





10) CONSULTANT



Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your skills are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.





11) RECRUITER, HEADHUNTER



As a person that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.





12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO



You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.





13) GOVERNMENT WORKER



Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. You usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job…Thus the term GO POSTAL

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ghent!
Ghent who!
Ghent out of here!

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. What would you like to do first, Kim? asked Joe.

I want to get weighed, she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

I want to get weighed, she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. I want to get weighed, she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, Howd it go?

Kim responded, Oh, Waura, it was wousy.