Old and New Jokes

Litle Johnny was going to the bathroom at school. When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper. So he wiped his butt with his hand and figured he could just wash his hands off. But the water wouldnt run and there was no paper towels. So he held his hand in a fist and walked back to the classroom. Then the teacher asked, Johnny, whats in your hand?

A little leprechan and if I open my hand hell get away.

Johnny, the teacher said, if you dont tell me whats in your hand you are going to be sent to the principals office!

Too embarrassed to open his hand, Jimmy elected to get sent to the princapals office instead. The principal asked, Johnny, whats in your hand?

A little leprechan and if I open my hand hell get away.

Johnny, if you dont tell me whats in your hand right now you will get sent home, said the principal.

So he got sent home and his dad asked, Johnny, whats in your hand?

A little leprechan and if I open my hand he will get away

Johnny, either you tell me right now whats in your hand or Ill beat you and your imaginary leprechan…

Little Johnny finally opened his hand and said, Look dad… you scared the poop out of him!

Wife:
In Des – A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take shower.

In Pardes – A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take a bath.

Son:
In Des – A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.

In Pardes – A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.

Daughter:
In Des – A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when she is getting married.

In Pardes – A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any marriage.

Mother:
In Des – A woman who defends you and cares for you, but would not dare to go against your fathers wishes for you.

In Pardes – A women who is a sucker for anything you want, especially if dads against it.

Father:
In Des – A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.

In Pardes – A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

Desi Engineer:
In Des – A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai.

In Pardes – A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.

Desi Doctor:
In Des – A respectable person with reasonably good income.

In pardes – A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called doctor di biwi.

Bhangra:
In Des – A vigorous Punjabi folk dance.

In Pardes – A desi dance you do, when you dont know how to dance.

Combatting stupidity
You too can do housework
PMS – Learning when to keep your mouth shut
How to fill an ice tray
We dont want sleazy underthings for X-mas… Give us money
Understanding the female response to you coming in at drunk at 4:00am
wonderful laundry techniques (formally titled Dont wash my silks)
Parenting – no, it doesnt end with conception
Get a life – learn to cook
How not to act like an asshole when youre obviously wrong
Spelling – even you can get it right
Understanding your financial incompetence
You – the weaker sex
Reasons to give flowers
How to stay awake after sex
Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but in the washroom
Garbage – getting it to the curb
You can fall asleep without it if you really try
The morning dilemma – if its awake, take a shower
Ill wear it if I damn well please
How to put the toilet lid down
Give me a break! – Why we know your excuses are bullshit
The weekend and sports are not synonyms
How to go shopping with your mate without getting lost
The remote control – overcoming your dependence
Romanticism – other ideas besides sex
Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
Mothers-in-laws – they are people too
How not to act younger than your children
You too can be a designated driver
Male bonding – leaving your friends at home
Honest, you dont look like Mel Gibson – especially when naked
Changing your underwear – it really works
The attainable goal – Omitting %$#@+! from your vocabulary
Fluffing the blankets after farting is not neccessary

Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, Clearance: 112. So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that its 116.

So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, I dont see any cops around….lets go for it!

If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor

An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest.

He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what its about.

Why do you wear your collar backwards? The old Jewish man asks.

The Priest, being polite, responds

Well, Sir, because Im a father.

I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal.

Yes, the Priest begins, but I am father of many

The old Jewish man shakes his head. I have 8 children, and so many grandchildren I dont know most their names, and still my collar isnt backwards

The priest, aggitated, slams his fist in his palm Sir! I am the father of hundreds!

The elderly Jewish man, beweildered, stands to get off the subway, and leans over to the priest Mister, maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards.

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, Father, Im 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession? Never Father, Im Jewish. So then, why are you telling me? Because Im telling everybody!

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

Doctor: I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.

St. Peter: Thats great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?

Nurse: Ive supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.

St. Peter: Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.

St. Peter: Oh, I see. Please go in…but you can only stay two nights!

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice Id like to try the bet

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?

The scrawny little man replied I work for the IRS.

Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?

The man smiled kindly and answered, I wear this collar because I am a father.

Little Johnny thought a second and responded, Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?

The priest thought for a minute, and said, I am the Father for many.

Little Johnny quickly answered, My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?

The priest, flustered, said impatiently, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people.

Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.