The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.
The woman smiled, So what?
The neighbor was surprised, It doesnt bother you that hes running around with those women?
The woman replied, I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too.
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
One day timmy and jane were in the woods and timmy oulled his pants down and jane asked whats that?
Timmy says I dont know?
Then Jane pulls her pants down and timmy asks whats that?
She says I dont know? so they said Lets find out.
So timmy goes home and asks his dad what that was and his dad replies thats your tricycle when ever u get a chance park it in a girls garage.
Then Jane asks her mom, whats that? her mom replies, thats ur garage dont ever let a boy park his tricycle in it.
So they both meet up in the woods and timmy says this is my tricycle and jane says this is my garage.
Later that day jane goes home and she is covered in blood and hr mom says jane what happened?
Jane replies dont worry mom this isnt my blood, timmy tried parking his tricycle in my garage so i ripped his back wheels off.
En el océano Atlántico se encontraban dos barcos en alta mar, uno era un retiro espiritual de sólo monjas y el otro de una despedida de soltero donde lógicamente iban sólo hombres.
De repente el barco de los hombres empieza a incendiarse y todos los tripulantes tienen que saltar al agua. Empezaron a nadar hasta el otro barco y suplicando dijeron a las monjas:
¡Déjennos subir por favor, que nos ahogamos!
Las monjas contestaron, ¡No porque ustedes nos violan!
¡Por favor no nos dejen ahogar dejennos subir!
¡No porque ustedes nos violan!
¡Se lo suplicamos, por favor!
La monja superiora dice, Está bien, pero con la condición de que les cortamos el pene según la profesión que tenga cada uno.
Ellos dijeron que sÃ, que lo que fuera.
Subió el primer hombre y le preguntaron ¿usted que es? Soy arquitecto. Y pum… ¡se lo cortaron con una regla!.
Subió el segundo ¿y usted qué es? Soy peluquero y pum… ¡se lo cortaron con unas tijeras!
Subió el tercero ¿y usted? Soy campesino. ¡Pum! con un machete.
El cuarto era un negro y estaba muerto de la risa y una monja le pregunta, ¿muy feliz porque se lo vamos a cortar?
Y dice el negro, Lo que pasa es que yo soy paletero y a mi me lo tienen que chupar hasta que se me caiga…!
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.
Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a – b) = t(a – b)
a^2 – b^2 = ta – tb
a^2 – ta = b^2 – tb
a^2 – ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 – tb + (t^2)/4
(a – t/2)^2 = (b – t/2)^2
a – t/2 = b – t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jacksons new book?
A: Its called, The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – theres no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.
A little girl asked her mother, Can I go outside and play with the boys?
Her mother replied, No, you cant play with the boys, theyre too rough.
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?