Old and New Jokes

Your momma is so fat . . .

She was mistaken for Gods bowling ball!

There was this fly hovering about 8 inches above the surface of the river, but unbeknown to the fly, just below the surface of the river there was this salmon looking up at the fly thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower I would leap out of this water and have it for my tea. But unbeknown to the fish, there was this bear watching it, thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, and I could reach out and take that fish for my tea. But unbeknown to the bear, in the bushes was a hunter with his gun thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, and I could lean forward with my gun and shoot that bear. But, unbeknown to the hunter, there was this mouse thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear and I could run between the hunters legs and have his sandwichs for my tea. But unbeknown to the mouse, there was this cat thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear, that mouse would run between the hunters legs and have his sandwichs for its tea and I could leap onto the mouse and have it for my tea.

Just then the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped, the bear reached, the hunter leaned, the mouse ran, the cat leaped and missed, falling into the water.











Which only goes to prove that Whenever a fly drops six inches there is going to be a wet pussy.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

Q: why did the blonde cross the road

A: to get a new brain

Told to me by my wife, and to her by a colleague.

Two men are talking at work Monday morning.

What did you do this weekend?

Dropped hooks into water.

Fishing, eh?

No, golfing.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 hes willing to bet anyone who says he cant. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, Whats the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside? The dog answers ROOF. The bartender says, Who are you kidding? Im not paying. The dogs owner says, How about double or nothing and Ill ask him something else. The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time. The dog answers with a muffled RUTH. With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says DiMaggio?.

You might be a redneck if…

You wont stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your dog cant watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesnt have curtains, but your truck does.

Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (dont even go there!) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

A man and woman were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, the wife was moved after seeing her husbands eyes fill with tears.

The wife took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. I never knew you were so sentimental. she whispered.



No . . . No . . . he said, choking back his tears, Thats not it at all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?



Yes, the wife replied. I remember it like yesterday.



Well, said the husband, Today I would have be a free man.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

92. Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.