Old and New Jokes

Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.

The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.
The new improved model always appears on the market just after youve bought the old model.
The person who suggests spitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items
The chance of a sudden cloudburst is in direct proportion to the amount of suede yourre wearing.
The novice poker player will always take home the pot
You always get sick on the second day of your vacation and always recover the day before you return to work.
The odd little noise you ignored all night will turn out to be a major disaster.
The only things super stick will bond successfully are your fingers
When a traffic light gets stuck, you will get the red.
If you arent looking for something youve misplaced, then yourre filing something youll never be able to find.
One size fits all items will never fit you!
Your car insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.

I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perch on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles, Began to slip away. He sang of far off places, Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed, And gently lowered the window And crushed his freakin head!

Traditional: Farm animal must be killed by ritual slaughterer using a sharply honed knife that must not have a single nick on its blade.


Reform: Farm animal must be told that it has the right to an attorney.


Traditional: Will not combine meat with milk.


Reform: Will not combine meat with chocolate milk.

Traditional: One set of dishes for meat, another set for dairy.


Reform: One set of dishes exclusively for cheeseburgers.

Traditional: Hire shabbos goy to perform religiously prohibited tasks.


Reform: Hire Orthodox Jew to perform religiously required tasks.

Traditional: Try to concentrate on prayers, achieve sense of being in the presence of the divine.


Reform: Try to figure out when to stand up, when to sit down, and what page everyone is on.

Traditional: Women required to sit in synagogue balcony, apart from men.


Reform: Women and men sit together, davening suggestively.

Traditional: Strong disapproval of women rabbis.


Reform: Strong disapproval of topless women rabbis.

Mildred: Would you like to go the movie with me? Maxwell: Im already going with Agnes. Mildred: Ill hold your thingie if you go with me. Maxwell: Agnes says shell hold my thingie Mildred: Whats Agnes got that I dont? Maxwell: Parkinson’s.

What do you get when you cut a banana in two?

A BANANA SPLIT!

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

Who is that man… and why is he so upset? a passenger asks the ships captain.

I have no idea, says the captain, but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.

Billy Joe and Betty-Sue get married and Billy Joe whisks her away to his daddys hunting cabin in the woods for a romantic nature honeymoon.

He carries her across the threshold and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear,
Billy Joe, be gentle, I air never been with a man bfore.

WHAT?
shouts Billy Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head. Billy Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and races out the door, into his truck…
down the mountain…
straight to his parents house… rushes inside screaming,
Hey Daddy! Paw! Git up!’

His father rushes downstairs and gasps,
Billy Joe, whatre you doin here?

Billy Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps,
Well, Betty-Sue and I was in the cabin and she toll me she aint never been with a man afore… sos I rushed outta there an lit back here quick as I could.

His father grasps Billy Joes shoulder in reassurance and says,
Son, ya done the right thing. Iffin she aint goodnuff fer her family, she shure as shit aint goodnuff fer ours!