Old and New Jokes

The following are strange error messages you can get Unix to generate.

They were culled during the summer of 1988 from rec.humor. As
we all know, real error messages have two parts: a message code, and a
return code. Ideally, the message code is hexadecimal, the return code
is octal, and the manual explaining the error messages uses decimal.
But Unix ™, in keeping with its characteristic lexical confusion,
produces error messages which, although designed to make the system
appear sentient, and conversational, ultimately make the system seem as
stupid as it is. Note that the % prompt indicates that the command
should be issued from the C shell, and the $ prompt indicates the
Bourne shell. Enjoy.

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% How would you rate Reagans incompetence?
Unmatched .

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many (s.

% make love
Make: Dont know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man: : Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% (-
(-: Command not found.

% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

The Kiddie Pick

When youre by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, theres no time limit!



Camouflaged Kiddie Pick

When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.



Fake Nose Scratch

When you make believe youve got an itch but youre really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.



Making A Meal Out Of It

You do it so furiously, and for so long, youre probably entitled to dessert.



Surprise Pickings

When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.



Autopick

The kind you do in a car, when no ones looking.



Pick Your Brains

Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.



Pick And Save

When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they dont catch on to what you did.



Pick And Roll

No explanation needed.



Pick And Flick

Ditto.



Pick And Stick

You wanted it to be a Pick and Flick, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.



Paydirt

The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

I heard this joke recently from Martin Black, an Irish folksinger who tours
with his two brothers as The Black Brothers. In the Irish idiom, it went
thus:

An Irish walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits
in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender asks him, You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time. The Irishman replies, Well,
you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
and Im here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink
this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender
admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. Whne he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss. The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns
in his eye and he laughes. Oh, no, he says, everyones fine. Im just
off the liquor.

The Tomato family is walking down the street. Theres the mama tomato, the papa tomato and baby tomato.
Theyre walking at a good pace when the baby starts lagging behind. Papa tomato starts getting mad. By the third block papa is so furious that he runs back and with his fist, squashes baby tomato.
He smiles and says, Ketchup!

You boil the hell out of it.

What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork?

Kermits Dick

Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?

The cabbie says, Sure.

So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but couldnt figure out how to cross it.

The first man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him the skill to chop down a tree and fashion it into a rowboat; he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river.”

Poof! God turned him into a woman, and he walked across the bridge.

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: I need a cigarette.

But honey, his lover says. The store closes in two minutes. Youll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.



Thats okay, He quipps. Ill just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, Ill pretend Im a statue.



So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.



The first nun walks over to the young man. Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser! She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.



The second nun strolls over. What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. She sticks a quarter up the young mans ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.



The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young mans ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and suprise. Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!