Old and New Jokes

Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldnt think of a better way to spend my golden years. Whats the advantage of having a kid at forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with….The other is used to carry groceries.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.

Something that never happens in our generation.

Whats the difference between a wedge of old cheese and an [ethnic] girl?

One is strong smelling and covered in mold and the other goes great with
crackers!

– A very happy Pit Bull.

Its as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.

Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.

Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees.

Whats wrong? They asked. Yeah, you scared off our game.

Im sorry, fellas. I didnt screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didnt yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS…

What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man but I dont think he can live with my problems. So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!

May be offensive to Native Americans.

A community of settlers was moving in on an Indian Tribe. Most Indian tribes had a medicine man who was the leader of the tribe. Well the settlers were planning to move the Indians off their land to build a town. The big chief of the Indians did not like it at all. So he decided to go to the settlers and tell them that he was not moving.

The big chief finds one settler and says, ME BIG CHIEF WANT TO SEE MEDICINE MAN!

The settler had no idea what the chief was talking about, so he sent him to the pharmacist down the road.

The chief says to the pharmacist,YOU MEDICINE MAN??

The pharmacist replies,yes.

The chief says ME BIG CHIEF NO MOVE!! Well the pharmacist thinks that the Indian must be constipated, so he gives him some ex-lax and sends him on his way.

A week later the chief shows up again and says, ME BIG CHIEF STILL NO MOVE!

The pharmacist thought about it for a minute and gave him another package of ex-lax and sent him on his way.

The next week the chief shows up again and says, ME BIG CHIEF GOT TO MOVE!!!

The pharmacist says, why?.

And the Indian replies BECAUSE TEEPEE FULL OF SHIT!!!!