Old and New Jokes

A Russian and a Pollack get into a car accident. They are yelling at each
other saying that it was the other guys fault. Finally the Pollack says:

Your right its my fault. go ahead and call the police and just get it over with.
The Russian says:
No, im going to do what we do in my country.
The Pollack says:
Well what is that?
The Russian says:
Well you have to sit in a circle and not get out of it no matter what happens.
The pollack says:
Ok ill do it.

So the pollack goes and sits in a circle in the middle of the road, the
Russian pulls out a pocket knife and slashes the guys tires. He turned
around and saw that the Pollack was laughing, and that made him mad, so he
got out his crowbar and smashed all the guys windows. He turned around and
the guy was laughing even harder. This made him even madder so he took out
a can of gas and torched the guys car, when he turned around the Pollack
was rolling around on the ground clutching his stomach and laughing so hard
that there were tears in his eyes. The Russian ran up to him a said:

Why are you laughing?
The Pollack said:
Because when you turned around I stepped out of the circle.

George Carlin Speaks Out…

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, youd better do it in English.

Im not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesnt take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I dont think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I dont use the excuse its for the children as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please dont pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

Im neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, Im a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

A modem doesnt ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing AT. When youre done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
A modem wont say a word if you come home late. A modem cant collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. A modem doesnt gripe if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
A modem doesnt mind if you call another modem. A modem doesnt require any foreplay – just an initialization command. A virus you catch from your modem doesnt require a trip to the doctor.
You dont have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control – you can even turn the sound OFF.

Ralph

Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued.

A: I dont know, there are some things even a blonde wont do.

Why are there only two paul-bearers at a Mexican funeral?

There are only two handles on a garbage can!

Joke found on http://www.jokesgalore.com

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents were caught in a tornado, and off
they whirled to Oz. They finally made it to the Emerald City and came
before the Great Wizard.

What brings you before the Great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly, Ive come for some courage.

No problem! said the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan stepped forward, Well… I… I think I need a brain.

Done, said the Wizard. Who comes next before the Great and Powerful
Oz?

Up stepped George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I
need a heart.

Ive heard its true! said the Wizard. Consider it done.

There was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton was just standing
there, looking around, but didnt say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asked, What do you want?

Is Dorothy here?

Its the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobbys a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sues father answers and invites him in. Peggy Sues not ready yet, so why dont you have a seat? he says. Thats cool. says Bobby. Peggy Sues father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sues father responds, Why dont you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it. Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, Whaaaat? Yeah, says Peggy Sues father, Peggy Sue really likes to screw; shell screw all night if we let her! Bobbys eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that shes ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, Have a good evening, kids! About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: Dammit, Daddy! The twist! Its called the twist!!

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?
The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?

You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.

Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.

Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too.